cw long-distance relationship, hinted lan zhan/omc, happy ending //
wangxian university au where they get together after years of mutual pining. lan zhan has never been so happy or felt so loved. it's perfect.
needless to say, it comes as a shock to them both when he breaks up with wei ying.
another threadfic inspired a bit by wait, my youth. goes a different direction than the drama did, but totally fun for the feels. anyway. //
it starts with an acceptance letter, their break up. lan zhan had applied to a study abroad program before they got together. he'd forgotten.
he's absolutely gutted by the arrival of this letter, the culmination of years of hard work. in the weeks he and wei ying had been together, it had been the furthest thing from his mind.
he'll have to decide quickly if he wants to go or not. it's a competitive program after all.
he's prepared since last year for it and never mentioned it to anyone except his family. there hadn't been a reason to do so back when he wasn't even certain he'd get in. there wasn't anyone who'd care outside of his uncle and brother. sure, he and wei ying were friends, but.
but.
but leaving wei ying behind for a year when they were friends was one thing. leaving him behind as his boyfriend is another.
he puts the letter aside. there's still some time to think it over. not much, but some. he just needs a bit of breathing room.
"lan zhan, is everything alright?" wei ying asks, ankle tangled around lan zhan's, almost discreet, as they study in the library.
"mn. fine."
"you've been staring at that page for ten minutes now. surely you've got it memorized by now." he caps lan zhan's highlighter. "don't want that to dry out."
lan zhan says nothing. in truth, he's been thinking about that damned letter. again. always. it's been almost a week and he still hasn't figured out how to tell wei ying about it.
a year away from wei ying. impossible. untenable.
he doesn't care about the highlighter.
he thinks maybe he doesn't have to tell wei ying. he'll just let his family know he doesn't intend to go. they'll be disappointed, but they won't connect it to wei ying.
it will be a blow to his advancement opportunities in the future, but nothing is worth as much as more time with wei ying.
it's a good plan, as far as such things go, except that wei ying sometimes stops by his dorm. sometimes, his dormmates let wei ying in while he's not there.
sometimes, lan zhan leaves his correspondence out on his desk, perfectly obvious even to a mischievous sneak like wei ying.
sometimes, lan zhan comes back from getting a cup of hot water to find wei ying smiling brilliantly at that fucking letter, eyes gleaming with pride. "lan zhan!" the page flutters in his hand as he waves it around. "lan zhan, this is great! you've worked so hard. i was wondering if you'd applied."
it's not the reaction he expects, wei ying's infectious joy, such a departure from the dread coiling in lan zhan's gut.
how can wei ying be happy about this? it's awful. doesn't he get it? a year away. no.
"lan zhan?"
"i'm not going."
"what? lan zhan, you can't not go. this is an amazing opportunity."
he wonders if wei ying's so happy because he cares less and quickly discards the thought. it's beneath them both. wei ying's happiness is pure. lan zhan should be happy, too, that wei ying cares so much.
he hates it.
wei ying's expression falls. "it's not because of me, is it?"
lan zhan doesn't answer.
"lan zhan, why aren't you glad about this? why haven't i been helping you get ready?" he puts the letter aside and approaches.
his dormmates, cowards, all of them, book it.
"why didn't you tell me?"
"why tell you when i don't intend to go?"
wei ying's gaze flicks toward the door and he lowers his voice. "because we're together and i like celebrating things with you?" he bites his lip and looks away. "you wouldn't have applied on a whim."
"things are different now." i have you, he thinks. i can't let you go.
wei ying's cheeks redden and his eyes flash with anger. he doesn't think he's ever seen wei ying turn such a glare in his direction. "how? because we're together?"
"obviously."
"you don't trust me?"
that's not it at all.
"tell me, lan zhan. if you think i'll--"
"i don't think anything."
"you must think something." wei ying's shoulders curl forward into a defensive hunch as he crosses his arms. "you have to know i'll support you in this. i'll wait for you. whatever you need. we've basically been together since we were in diapers, right? what's a year to that?"
a year is an eternity. anything can happen in a year. he's not afraid of the inconstancy of wei ying's or his own feelings.
"you want to go, don't you?" wei ying prods. "you don't do anything you don't want to do."
"i don't like the cost."
"lan zhan. there's no cost. i'll be right here."
and lan zhan will be halfway across the world. it's a cost. a huge one. unbearable.
"lan zhan, i'll never forgive myself if you don't at least try."
lan zhan's heart seizes in his chest. all the joy in wei ying's expression has drained away.
"try for me? if you hate it, i'll buy your ticket back."
how can he say no to that?
wei ying is the one to take him to the airport, a strange, nervous combination of stoic and giddy. one moment, he is quiet. the next, he's laughing and pulling lan zhan into a headlock to kiss his forehead, extravagant. "aish, i'll miss you, lan zhan, but it's good. this is good."
wei ying stays behind at the gate, silent. lan zhan can feel the heat of his gaze across the back of his neck. he only turns once, right at the last moment before he won't easily be able to see wei ying again.
he catches a single glimpse of wei ying's face, twisted with grief as he turns away.
lan zhan almost drops his bags so he catch up to wei ying's quickly retreating back.
he doesn't. somehow.
he'll never know how he manages to go forward when everything he wants is behind him.
he boards the plane, lands, finds a voice message left for him, wei ying's chirping voice wishing him luck. he replies, unsteady, to let wei ying know he landed safely.
at best, it's okay. the heat is different. the people are loud in ways he's not used to. the food is awful.
he misses home so viscerally and comprehensively that he feels sick. the five minutes he spends on the phone with his brother a few times a week isn't enough. the flood of daily voice messages with wei ying aren't enough.
everyone here is friendly, but not in a way that's comforting.
when he studies, he imagines wei ying elbowing and capping his stupid highlighter when he's forgotten to do so.
the others in his program are polite to him, but connect better with one another. they, too, seem to miss home. for weeks on end they talk about everything they miss.
at first they tried to include him, but the things lan zhan misses are too big to encompass in an icebreaker.
today, they're talking about snacks from home. he never eats snacks. he buys snacks he pretends he'll eat, knowing wei ying likes to pilfer. stolen treats taste better, he claims.
lan zhan does not carve this piece out of his heart to give to them in the name of camaraderie. it's too precious.
he calls wei ying instead. there's noise in the background. wei ying's clearly busy. lazily, he says, "hey, lan zhan, what's up?"
"nothing."
"having a good day?"
no. "yes."
"great!"
wei ying, he thinks, told the truth too well. he is very definitely there. the problem, lan zhan decides, is that he isn't here.
this is a mistake, this phone call. it hasn't scratched the itch sitting behind his heart. "i just wanted to hear your voice," he admits.
wei ying takes the hint.
he talks for a good thirty minutes non-stop about everything that's happened to him today. he talks until his voice goes rough. he talks until he says, "finally tired of me yet?"
"no."
"alright."
he spends another hour making up stories, each one filthier than the last.
"lan zhan," he finally says, when lan zhan still hasn't stopped him. "i... kind of have to go. i'm running late and i'm sure you have lots to do, too."
"okay," lan zhan answers. "thank you."
"lan zhan, don't."
lan zhan hangs up before wei ying can tell him what else he can and can't do.
the thing is, he's always considered himself good at being alone. it's only now he's realizing he's never really been alone before.
he's very much not good at it. all of his worst tendencies, isolation, aloofness, melancholy, they all worsen.
he calls wei ying every time.
at first, the calls, though painful, do bring him back. wei ying is good at cajoling him.
they stop working somewhere around month three.
sometimes, wei ying calls him first. most of the time he answers. a few times, he seems to forget time zone differences. these, lan zhan regrets missing.
very much without noticing it, he's got a group of people around him he spends time with. he doesn't know them well and they don't know him, but he supposes they belong together by default.
he's too disinterested to try finding more suitable companions.
there is one guy who worms his way in, lan zhan unable to say how, only that more days than not, he finds lan zhan in the library and sits with him. he talks and doesn't mind that lan zhan rarely replies.
he asks if lan zhan is seeing anyone.
"i'm not interested in dating."
"that's not a yes."
"i have a significant other," he says, leaning heavily on the phrasing with the hope that the guy will understand.
he raises his hands in defeat. "must be hard."
he should be angry. instead, he's relieved that someone else sees it. still. "it's easier than the alternative."
"i understand," the guy says, arrogant. he can understand nothing about lan zhan's situation. "if it ever gets to be too difficult..."
"it will not." he slams his book closed and shoves it into his bag with his laptop. "excuse me."
except the guy is right: it is difficult.
he's never gone this long without touching wei ying or being touched by him. innocent, less than innocent. it doesn't matter. he flinches away from the campus crowds, arms grazing arms, bodies bumping bodies.
he looks at the men wandering around when he's never noticed them before.
nsfw 🔞 //
he and wei ying sometimes manage to talk one another to orgasm when they coordinate their schedules correctly. rather, wei ying talks lan zhan to orgasm. wei ying gets himself off with the slick, even jerk of his hand over his length while lan zhan grips his phone too hard. it's not enough.
their holiday breaks don't coordinate. lan zhan shouldn't bother coming back, but does it anyway.
wei ying is, of course, busy and deeply apologetic about it. lan zhan makes him late every day anyway, feeling guilty for needing more of wei ying than he should give.
wei ying is here. still the truth.
wei ying quits going to classes the last few days before lan zhan goes back. lan zhan should stop him. he doesn't. instead, they book a hotel that wei ying only leaves so he can get back to the dorms before curfew. He sneaks out again as soon as it's safe and crawls into the crisp hotel sheets.
"i'm sorry," wei ying whispers into his hair. "you don't have to go back if you don't want to."
he does have to, though, or else none of this will be worth it.
wei ying sighs, tugging at lan zhan's too warm earlobe. "my stubborn lan zhan. you'll be back soon."
"mn."
he won't let wei ying take him to the airport. they fight about it, though fight is maybe a strong word. wei ying is exasperated. it's only lan zhan who feels out of control.
there's a voice message waiting for him when he lands. he doesn't listen to it. he texts wei ying to let him know he's safe.
the guy smiles brightly at him when he slides into the seat across from lan zhan's in the library. "have a nice break?" he asks.
"yes."
"everything good with your 'significant other?'"
"that isn't your business."
the guy says, "that's not a yes."
as much as lan zhan hates to say it, he's right. "i fear..."
the guy tilts his head, inquisitive. he has no reason to tell this guy, who has designs. lan zhan is not stupid.
"i'm holding him back."
the guy nods, sage. "long distance is hard."
"he's handling it well."
the guy's grin goes lopsided, teasing. "maybe he's a better person than you."
in no universe is this the right thing to say, but it's the thing lan zhan most needs to hear. again, he rather abruptly stands, dumps his stuff in his bag. "thank you for your candor."
"hey, wait--"
lan zhan dials wei ying's number. wei ying picks up on the first ring. it's easy to get the words out while the guy trails after him, a taunt. wei ying is quiet, too quiet, infinitely quiet, when lan zhan says, "we should break up."
"you're sure?"
"yes."
"okay, lan zhan. call me if you need anything, okay?"
he exhales, the knot in his chest loosening.
he cannot hurt wei ying or himself any worse than this.
there is relief to be had in that.
the guy is watching from a couple of meters away, eyes wide, a complicated expression on his face. lan zhan is viciously pleased that he doesn't have to tell the guy not to bother him again. he stops sliding into the seat across from lan zhan's of his own accord.
when lan zhan looks at other men, he needn't feel guilty, and yet he can feel little else. though he could slake his physical needs with a fair number of them, he doesn't bother. he's still caught off guard by the incidental touches that plague him when he's trying to get to class.
it's hard not to call wei ying when he's still so used to it. he catches himself with his phone in his hand so often he starts leaving it in his bag. it works mostly.
while he's waiting to pay for a cup of tea, traitorous muscle memory leads him to typing the digits into his phone.
it feels normal until he hears wei ying's voice, bleary with sleep. "who'sit?"
he should hang up. wei ying might fall back to sleep and never even check his call history. he can't. he steps out of the line and walks out of the packed coffee shop.
what he's doing is unfair. "wei ying."
there's a thump and a clatter and a whispered curse. one of wei ying's dormmates says something and wei ying tells them to shut up in a harsh undertone. a door clicks open and closed.
"haven't heard that in a while," wei ying says, fake cheerful. "everything okay?"
this isn't what he expects at all. "no."
wei ying's tone grows more serious. "what do you need?"
"i..."
"lan zhan, just tell me. we're still friends, right? we can talk about anything."
"are we?"
"aren't we? or did i lose that in the divorce, too?"
if wei ying can joke, it must be okay.
"if you don't want to talk, maybe i will," wei ying says. "i'm pretty good at it."
wei ying clears his throat, pompous. it lightens the mood enough that lan zhan thinks maybe they are still friends. maybe lan zhan's only ruined one thing about them.
"lan zhan, go forth and get yourself laid."
the phone drops from lan zhan's hand. it's only fast reflexes that keep him from dropping it. "wei ying?"
"i should have known it would be hard on you, not having anyone there to touch you. you used to be an asshole, you know? at least until i started getting my hands all over you."
lan zhan is beyond mortified. there's nothing he can say that will ever get him out of this hole he's been dropped into.
"didn't you notice?" wei ying asks.
absolutely not and he can't believe wei ying's noticed anything of the sort either. "i don't want anyone to touch me."
"alright."
"i don't want anyone to touch me," he says again, because it needs to be said.
"if you say so."
but lan zhan can't help but ask, "don't you want...?"
"nah, i'm good. can i go back to bed since we've cleared the air so well? nobody's touching anyone. kind of a shame, but oh well."
lan zhan lets him go and stares down at his phone, boggling, as the screen darkens.
another student brushes past him, pretty, almost in the same way he finds wei ying pretty. he feels nothing except a twinge of self-recrimination, wei ying's diagnosis still ringing in his ears.
he calls wei ying back, fully expecting to be declined. surprised when he isn't. "i don't want anyone to touch me."
"we've established that."
"i want you to touch me."
one of wei ying's dormmates curses loudly enough that lan zhan hears: for fuck's sake, wei ying, deal with your shit.
wei ying: "shh."
the door clicks again. lan zhan can't hear wei ying's dormmates anymore.
"are you lonely?" lan zhan asks. in all their conversations, it's the one question he hasn't asked.
"am i what?"
"lonely?"
wei ying laughs, the sound catches in his throat, ugly. "are you kidding me?"
"no."
wei ying says nothing, sighs, groans, muffled into his palm. "are you trying to make this harder on yourself?"
"i just want to know." he can be honest. "it would help me to know."
"it's fucking lonely. of course it's lonely. i miss being with you. i hate knowing it's cutting you up this badly being there. i'm still surprised when you're not waiting for me in the library. so yeah, it's lonely, but how does knowing that help with anything?"
it does help is the thing. maybe that's perverse. "you seemed okay," lan zhan says.
"i'm trying to be! i'm trying to be a good person here!" his voice goes low and unhappy. "i'm not going to cage you. if you want to break up, who am i to stop you?"
"did you feel caged?"
"by you?"
"yes."
"lan zhan, are you listening to yourself? you're not a cage to me. if you think that's what this is, you did the right thing breaking up with me. i don't want that for you."
lan zhan inhales until his lungs ache. the itch behind his heart eases just a bit.
"there's only a few months left until i return," lan zhan says. "can we meet when i get back?"
"if you think i'm not already arranging a homecoming party for you, you've lost your touch. you're going to hate it. you have no choice."
a smile tugs at the corner of lan zhan's mouth.
the months pass slowly. lan zhan doesn't really reach out to wei ying and wei ying doesn't try to reach out to him. he focuses on his studies, mind a little clearer. he hopes wei ying is doing okay, too.
he doesn't get himself laid. nobody else in his immediate cohort tries to approach him.
presumably they've been warned off, but lan zhan doesn't try to confirm it with them. the guy still won't meet his eye, which is fine with him.
he formulates a plan. or not a plan, but a hope, maybe. his last few phone calls with wei ying were too honest; he knows where he went wrong.
he knows what wei ying was thinking when he encouraged lan zhan and why, but what it seems like he never understood was lan zhan's regard for him.
so. a hope. it buoys his spirits when he feels most unhappy, this place never settling into anything more than a temporary stopover in his life.
despite having not spoken with wei ying in all this time, he sends a voice message asking him if he'll pick lan zhan up from the airport.
wei ying retorts with a dramatic monologue about how lan zhan must think he's some kind of jerk. of course he'll be there.
lan zhan sends him the details.
wei ying eyes him, hungry for something. around them, too, families and friends are reuniting with one another, calm and pleased and orderly. just like how lan zhan might greet someone returning from a trip.
it's not at all what lan zhan wants in this moment. it's not what he thinks wei ying wants.
so lan zhan sweeps wei ying into a hug that turns more than a few heads and earns a giggle from a pack of schoolgirls.
wei ying laughs, pats his shoulder. "ah, lan zhan, maybe..."
he squeezes tighter, presses his nose to wei ying's throat, feels the beat of his pulse beneath his cheek. "i missed you."
"yeah, yeah," wei ying says, vague and casual, but the blush crawling up his neck and across his cheeks tells a different story. "let's get out of here before you start giving me weird ideas about where this is heading."
"where do you want it to go?"
wei ying barks out a laugh.
"wei ying, where do you want to go?"
"to your uncle's house, like i promised." with rather more force than necessary, he drags lan zhan's luggage along. "what are you thinking hugging me in public like that? are you that shameless?"
"i wanted to."
"yeah? since when?"
"i always want to."
wei ying stops, plants his hands on his hips. "be serious."
"i'm serious. did i not say i only wanted to touch you?"
"yeah, but..." wei ying scratches at his bright pink earlobe, looks at the ground.
"i was wrong to break things off like i did. i didn't understand myself well enough."
"it's important to me not to disappoint you," he continues, "but i don't think i made it clear how much your presence matters."
"i know i--"
"i feel more myself around you. i don't want to be apart from you. you are good for me. i want to be here so i can be good for you, too."
"lan zhan--"
"the time we missed out on was more precious to me than anything i did over there. i don't want to waste more. i want to hug you, because waiting is abhorrent to me." he coughs into his fist, delicate, throat tight. "if that is alright with you."
wei ying stares openly. "uh."
the metal handle of lan zhan's luggage squeaks under the tight, two-fisted stranglehold wei ying's suddenly got it in. "is there anything else you need to say before my heart gives out?"
"i like you."
"you like me," wei ying replies weakly.
lan zhan nods.
"maybe you should hug me again," wei ying says. "i'm feeling a little faint over here."
lan zhan gathers him close. against his chest, wei ying says, "please tell me you're done."
"for now."
"for now. what else do you have in mind?"
"my uncle isn't expecting me back for another six hours."
"did you have this all planned out?"
"i had a hope."
laughing, wei ying shoves at lan zhan's shoulder. it feels good to see wei ying smile at him again. his laugh is clear and bright and sweet. "you're using my easy and sentimental nature against me." he leans in. "you owe me."
"gladly."
nsfw 🔞 //
they book a room in a hotel near the airport. he is gentler with wei ying than normal when he takes him apart, holds him until he's sobbing with the need for release.
yet again, time isn't very kind to them, but it's enough for the moment, as he puts wei ying back together.
"you should have told your uncle you'd be back tomorrow," wei ying laughs, shaky, as he brushes at his eyes. "your plan sucked."
"there won't be a next time." lan zhan kisses wei ying's forehead, "but i'll remember anyway." he brushes the flyaway hairs around wei ying's temple. "i'm sorry."
wei ying levers himself up from the bed, complains about all the aches and pains lan zhan left behind on his fragile body. "no apologies."
he is deposited at his uncle's house promptly. he shares dinner with him and his brother. as soon as he can, he returns to campus.
he's never snuck into another person's dorm before, but wei ying's is on the ground floor. it's not the most difficult bit of mischief he could get into.
one of wei ying's dormmates comes to the window, rolls his eyes, says, "thank fuck," and, "good timing, inspection's already done."
"is he here?"
"bathroom," dormmate says. "please don't actually try anything. i sleep like shit and already know too much about wei ying's sad love life."
lan zhan waits patiently for wei ying to return. it's different being in here at night instead of the scant visits from before.
the bed is too tiny for the both of them, but lan zhan doesn't care. "you're a comfortable mattress, lan zhan, promise," wei ying says.
lan zhan is very aware of the dormmate who sleeps like shit and knows too much about wei ying's sad love life. he doesn't try anything. it's an exercise in masochism.
it's worth it even though lan zhan doesn't sleep at all and nearly catches his foot on the window ledge when he sneaks out in the morning. though lan zhan doesn't have class or any final exams, his year already complete, wei ying has a few left. lan zhan promises to meet him in the library later.
he reaches their usual spot just a few minutes before wei ying arrives. when he sits and hauls out his books, he does his usual think, hooking his ankle around lan zhan's.
before, it was enough. these days, it feels anemic.
instead, he takes wei ying's hand, lacing their fingers together.
wei ying's cheeks go that lovely shade of pink lan zhan's come to enjoy so well in so short a time. "gross, lan zhan."
"not gross."
"is this what you wanted to do the whole time?"
the truth? "yes."
"you know you're creating a monster, right? i'll start to expect this."
"good."
"what if i escalate?"
lan zhan looks at him, waits until wei ying looks back, says, slow and deliberate and provocative, "i hope you do."
wei ying wrinkles his nose and sighs, says under his breath that he'll never win, he can't be this shameless. "who could guess you'd be like this?"
"i think you could rise to the challenge," lan zhan says, ignoring the question. wei ying is wei ying. nobody is as shameless as him. he just has to get used to being met on an even playing field. "finish revising for your test, wei ying."
later, lan zhan receives a letter from the professor in charge of the program he'd participated in. they'd like him to come back and feel arrangements could be made to accommodate another year. wei ying plucks the letter from his hand, reads it, and tosses it away.
"not allowed," he says.
lan zhan smiles, retrieves the letter from the floor and places it in the recycling bin by his desk. "i was thinking the same thing."
then wei ying grins, retrieving an envelope from his bag. he shoves it at lan zhan. wei ying's been accepted to a parallel program. "unless you want to go together."
"wei ying?"
"i might have heard something about them wanting you to go back. little birdy. you wouldn't know him. his brother is in admin, might know your brother. i thought... well, there's no reason not to try, right?"
"you'd do this for me?"
"why wouldn't i?"
"i don't know what to say."
"say yes, because i heard you get your own room over there and i'd really like one year where i can sneak into your dorm with a little class and dignity. climbing trees isn't for me."
lan zhan reads over the letter again. this time, the answer is easy.