wangxian university au where wei ying and lan zhan grow apart after wei ying borrows a book from lan zhan on their last day of hs together and, in rather baffling fashion, returns it the same day, presenting it to lan zhan so awkwardly that lan zhan feels sure he's being mocked somehow.
(inspo: a scene from wait, my youth)
lan zhan can't figure out the angle, so he thanks wei ying with as much dignity as he can muster and shoves the book into his bag without giving it a second glance.
wei ying stares at him for a handful of seconds before he laughs and says, ah, lan zhan, you might just be rid of me yet. i bet you're hoping my gaokao scores won't be high enough to get me into the same universities you applied for, huh?
lan zhan knows they'll be exactly the same or higher.
he's proved right when, after break is over, they run into one another on campus. first day, first thing, almost as soon as lan zhan steps foot on it. wei ying is sunny and bright and excited about, of all things, the library. it's huge, lan zhan! so much stuff to get into!
lan zhan is surprisingly okay with the thought of being stuck with wei ying for another four years. after all, they're in different disciplines. it won't be like hs, where there was no reprieve from the nonsense he pulled, most of which involved lan zhan one way or the other.
except when he discovers they've somehow wound up in the same dorm, a fact he doesn't discover until he's already staked a bed and a desk and is busy putting his things away, left only with his stack of books and the empty cubby he's shoving them into.
that's a little hard to swallow, the dorm thing. wei ying staring at him from the doorway, deer in headlights look on his face, attention laser focused on the stack of books.
do a lot of reading over break, lan zhan, he asks, voice pitched... strangely.
instead of organizing them neatly, he just shoves the stack into the cubby as is, no rhyme or reason to it. he'll fix it later, when wei ying's not making him feel like he's missing something, a skin crawling sensation wei ying's always evoked in him.
wei ying does a quick sweep of the beds. they're the first two to arrive, so it's obvious which one is lan zhan's and it's equally obvious which one wei ying will take when he swings his bag onto the bunk under which lan zhan will be sleeping every night.
take any other, please, he can't say.
lan zhan absolutely dreads what he knows will happen next: wei ying will be himself only worse because the stress of preparing for entrance exams has evaporated. university isn't easy, but there's more breathing room.
wei ying will of course take shameless advantage of this laxity.
only... he doesn't. not really. lan zhan doesn't get to see whether he acts like a clown in classes, but what he does see of wei ying suggests he gets his classwork done quickly, though he laments how stodgy finance is as a subject, and then goes off and studies whatever catches his whim.
the only time lan zhan really sees him is when he goes to the library. lan zhan is embarrassed to realize he expects wei ying to be there. mostly, he's right.
he's too embarrassed to sit with wei ying even though wei ying insists there's room at his table, but he's not relieved when wei ying stops asking.
it's lonely, lan zhan realizes, and only gets worse as the weeks pass and wei ying becomes known as a personable, helpful, insightful student. here, wei ying is flourishing in ways he never did in hs and people take notice. a lot of people take notice.
it's not like the notice wei ying got in hs, the edgy sort of attention their classmates gave then. what wild shit is he going to pull now, they asked themselves, hoping to goad him and sometimes succeeding.
back then, the only help anyone really wanted from him involved getting into or out of trouble or, for reasons lan zhan still can't quite understand, confessing for awkward kids in the first bloom of puppy love.
for whatever reason, he was the go-to guy for writing love letters.
no, lan zhan doesn't know why or how it happened either, just that one day wei ying started writing love letters for other people, wasting hours on choosing the right pens, papers, and words.
they should confess for themselves, lan zhan would say.
why are you faking for them, lan zhan also said.
you're going to get into trouble.
if you don't stop, i'll report you. you're disrupting their studies, too.
and so on, each complaint less credible than the last.
anyway, it's not like that now. now, he holds court among the stacks, bracing his hand against the back of other students' chairs as he leans over to check their work, cheek almost brushing cheek.
though a first year, he even has a few seniors eyeing him enviously, covetously.
sometimes, he doesn't even notice when lan zhan shows up.
it should be bliss. avoiding wei ying's attention has been a dream of lan zhan's since primary school.
lan zhan loathes it. there's no room for lan zhan in this. lan zhan realizes rather desperately that he wants to force space for himself anyway.
he even knows how he could do it: the same way everyone else is doing it. wei ying, he could say, i'm having some trouble with my studies. will you help?
though it would be a lie, maybe wei ying would cut him some slack, maybe he'd let lan zhan furtively sneak his way back in.
maybe he'd furrow his brow and say, ah, lan zhan? you? really? i, uh... i guess i can help? maybe he'd laugh painfully and rub the back of his neck and make up excuses to avoid helping him.
maybe, lan zhan would see himself out of the conversation, mortified.
(make that definitely.)
after that, lan zhan stops seeing wei ying at the library as much. he very suddenly develops a keen and overwhelming interest in sports clubs and art societies, things that take him all over campus, his schedule too random for lan zhan to follow unless he asks.
he won't ask.
he becomes popular among an even wider swathe of the campus, like wei ying's entire purpose is to make as many people love him as possible or he's making up for something.
it's a nonsense thought. wei ying deserves to be loved. it's good that people like him. he's not deficient.
it's fine. at least until he overhears their roommates, wen ning and nie huaisang, talking about him while he's not there. then it's very suddenly not fine at all. in fact, it's rather terrible.
did your sister really ask him out, nie huaisang asks wen ning, delighted.
i guess so, wen ning answers.
he seems as confused as lan zhan, who's really just trying to manage his life, attention nominally on the assignment he's trying to complete.
he doesn't know wen qing well, but he met her once. she seems like the sort who'd be annoyed by wei ying, too worldly and grown up even for this wei ying.
it's so wildly improbable that lan zhan has to see it for himself. in a move so out of character, nie huaisang actually jumps, he asks, where are they?
i... i'm not sure. i can ask, wen ning says helpfully.
invite them to dinner, nie huaisang says, positively gleeful. my treat. i want to see, too.
they go to dinner. it's fine. normal. lan zhan really doesn't know what to expect, but they're a perfectly decent couple. wei ying is teasing and sweet and wen qing pretends she hates it, which only makes wei ying beam more brightly.
he recognizes this pattern. it makes him sick.
wei ying excuses himself while wen qing and nie huaisang bicker over the check, pleading a need for the restroom. lan zhan isn't surprised to discover the check's been handled already, but is surprised that wen qing seems annoyed and caught off-guard by it.
you're a disgustingly cute couple, nie huaisang declares, having apparently crowned himself the arbiter of such things. i'm going to find the nearest bar and drowning my single ass in the biggest cocktail i can find. wanna join me, wen ning? lan zhan?
lan zhan doesn't drink, wei ying points out.
wen qing drily says she still has a test to study for. thank you for not inviting me or wei ying, she tells nie huaisang.
my pleasure! gotta oppress the happily coupled wherever i can.
somehow, lan zhan and wei ying wind up walking back to the dorms together.
nie huaisang told me you instigated this, wei ying says, kicking at the brick pathway. it's dark out, but lan zhan can still see wei ying's profile, the conflicted cast of it. that was nice of you.
it feels like it's been a while, lan zhan admits.
...yeah. sorry, i just...
you're enjoying yourself?
i guess so? wei ying finds a rock and kicks it this time. it skitters ahead of them in the quiet.
wen qing seems nice.
wen qing is smart and pretty and mean and really funny. she's great. i like her.
wei ying doesn't sound as enthused as lan zhan would have expected. he intends to ask, but wei ying --
wei ying says, you know what, i think i'm gonna go torture nie huaisang a bit. i wanna see what drowning himself in the biggest cocktail he can find even looks like. you'll be okay heading back?
lan zhan wants to say no. he says yes. he's gotten good at lying.
the dorm is dark and cold when he makes it back. he worries that nie huaisang, wen ning, and wei ying will be out too late and caught by the dorm supervisor when they make their way back. he wishes he'd gone with them. he wishes, a little, that he'd blownhis gaokao just so he couldn't be here.
he feigns sleep, still fearful that wei ying will somehow get himself into trouble, ruining his pristine university experience. it means he's awake when wei ying, wen ning, and nie huaisang spill into the room, laughing and shushing one another.
lan zhan wonders what it would be like to have that with wei ying.
wei ying climbs onto his bunk and rolls around a few times, punching his pillow, trying to get comfortable as the frame squeaks.
though it's well past the time lan zhan usually sleeps, he can't fall into rest, too keyed up, listening too intently to the sound of wei ying's breathing.
lan zhan pretends that tests, assignments, and studying chew through his time, but really, it's cowardice. a year's never flown by so quickly and he's entirely sure of one thing only as it nears its end: he's lost wei ying utterly.
worse, he hadn't even known wei ying was his to begin with.
he realizes, a few weeks before break, that he never organized his books. it's so late now, there's no reason to do it, but it's something he's left undone.
he pulls them free and flips through a few of them. his attention stalls on one in particular. the book wei ying had borrowed.
he remembers wei ying's nervousness when he'd handed it back and the way he'd shoved it without ceremony into his bag, refusing to think about it.
he can't stop thinking about it now. this might be the last thing wei ying will have ever asked him for. longing grips him by the throat.
there's really no reason to let nostalgia get to him, but it does anyway. he imagines wei ying riffling the pages, bored with the content.
an envelope falls onto his desk when he opens it, the paper thin and elegant. the characters of his name were beautifully, carefully rendered.
it's wei ying's handwriting, but... better, more deliberate. wei ying took his time with this. whatever this is. lan zhan studies it for a long time, afraid to open it.
there's a commotion in the doorway, a fallen bag. lan zhan jumps, turns, tries to hide the envelope.
wei ying is pale as he crouches to gather his things. by the time he lifts it again, his cheeks are red. lan zhan, he says.
before lan zhan knows what's happening, wei ying's lunging for the envelope, half across lan zhan's lap as lan zhan grabs at his collar.
why the fuck did you keep it, wei ying asks, angry.
wei ying, wait, lan zhan tells him, frantic. if wei ying gets his hand on it, he doesn't know what wei ying will do to it. his heart is beating, frenetic. wait, stop.
there's nothing in there worth keeping, wei ying says. don't be an asshole.
wei ying, i didn't know it was there. i don't even know what it is.
even better, wei ying says, reaching again for it. lan zhan smacks his hand aside. you can't be serious, lan zhan. it's ancient history now.
it's mine. you gave it to me, lan zhan points out, pushing him away.
wei ying sits on lan zhan's bed and scowls. fat lot of good it did, he says, snide.
this is the rudest wei ying's been to him in longer than lan zhan can remember. though he doesn't know if that's a good sign or a bad one, he prefers it to the alternative.
i can't watch this, wei ying says, booking it for the door.
stay put, lan zhan demands. miraculously, wei ying listens.
your funeral, wei ying says. then he laughs. my funeral.
lan zhan ignores him. he is as careful about peeling open the envelope as wei ying had been in closing it.
he reads the contents, feels wei ying's misery radiating from the door, feels his own building on wei ying's behalf.
it's a love letter.
not a love letter written on someone's behalf by wei ying using pretty words and empty sentiments to convey what they should have conveyed for themselves, no. these were wei ying's words, not pretty, not empty. they're too real, too heartfelt to be beautiful.
it's the kind of thing a dumb kid would write to their first love, maybe their only love.
wei ying had put his heart on the line, watched lan zhan shove it into his bag, and saw lan zhan do nothing with it.
lan zhan looks at wei ying, who won't look at him. this whole year, wei ying had been larger than life, but now he seems so very small. this whole time, wei ying just pretended none of this had happened.
wei ying...
wei ying draws in a shaky breath.
i thought you were being kind or discreet or... i don't know. i didn't think you hadn't seen it. it felt obvious... you always check your stuff when i give it back to you, like you want to make sure i didn't mess with it. foolproof plan, huh?
nothing feels kind about this. it obviously wasn't foolproof.
i wouldn't have left you hanging, lan zhan insists. in truth, he's not sure what he would have done with it if he'd opened it back then. he knows what he wants to do with it now, this knowledge. hellish, when wei ying has wen qing.
see, wei ying says, you're regret opening it. you should have let me get rid of it.
what i regret is losing my chance, lan zhan snaps. i'm regretting that this is the one time you chose not to push. wei ying, you're --
i tried to move on, wei ying says, like he hasn't heard what lan zhan's saying.
i really tried, you know, wei ying continues. wen qing is a really cool person. i couldn't believe she asked me out. it was fun, at first, but it wasn't the same. i missed you all the time. she saw it, too. she broke up with me after she saw us together.
i didn't know, lan zhan says.
yeah, well.
wei ying crosses his arms, hunching even further into himself.
i didn't want you to know and wen ning was really happy for us, so she didn't want him to know right away either. we're both kind of stubborn that way.
lan zhan doesn't know what to say. an apology can't suffice, but it feels like a good place to start. i'm so--
fuck's sake, lan zhan, it's not your fault. i'm the one who's sorry.
wei ying shouldn't be sorry about this, not ever.
lan zhan stands, taking a step toward wei ying. wei ying backs into the door.
lan zhan can't see a way out of this conversation, not one that doesn't hurt wei ying further. he's so totally elided lan zhan's own confession...
still, he'll do what he can. will you let me make it up to you, he asks, desperate for a chance. wei ying's mistake was singular, but lan zhan's is ongoing.
he's catalogued every change in wei ying without ever exercising a desire to find out the cause, preferring to feel scorned than ask for clarification. he's paid so much attention to wei ying that he's missed everything that's important.
he's taken wei ying for granted.
what are you talking about, wei ying asks, suspicious, hopeful (maybe hopeful, lan zhan is hopeful at least).
i would like to honor the words you've left in my care in whatever way is most comfortable to you. if i'm too late--
too late for what?
you want to get over me, don't you?
wei ying's eyes narrow. he studies lan zhan's face. lan zhan thinks he might see everything lan zhan's never let him see before. he thinks he's glad.
i've never liked the thought of getting over my first crush, wei ying says, cavalier. it means something to me, my first.
then...?
then maybe you should start coming to the library with me, huh? wei ying starts ticking off myriad plans on his finger tips. there's one more athletic competition before school ends. it might be nice to have my own cheerleader. you should let me draw you sometime.
lan zhan's mouth pulls in a smile. that's all?
are you kidding me, wei ying squawks. that's just the start! do you knw how hard it was to keep myself from bothering you? i'll have to bother you ten times as often just to make up for it.
lan zhan is looking forward to it.
the last day of school arrives and lan zhan is eager for the break that is to come, knowing they'll both have more time to spend with one another.
they're the last to leave the dorms, eager, too, for a bit of alone time.
wei ying sits on lan zhan's bed, thigh pressed to thigh.
there's a book in his hand, one that he shoves into lan zhan's. i borrowed this from you, he says, blithe, just so you know.
a letter falls into his lap. the paper is thicker this time and the envelope has been traumatized by wei ying's chicken scratch.
and opens it one more time. opens it. when he reads it, his ears go red.
it seems wei ying's gotten very good at drawing lan zhan's anatomy in a very short amount of time.
he shoves the letter between the pages of the book and slams it shut.
and opens it one more time. just to peek.
wei ying just laughs, a sound lan zhan's spent the whole year missing and won't risk missing again. the shell of his ear tingles under wei ying's lips as he darts in for a kiss, no doubt succeeding in making it flush a deeper shade.
every year, wei ying writes another one to add to lan zhan's growing collection, each more caring and inventive than the last.
lan zhan never waits even a second to open them, no matter where they are when wei ying gives it to him.