Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - BDSM, Biologically Determined Dom/sub Roles, BDSM, Bad BDSM etiquette, Sadism, Masochism, Past Sexual Abuse, Sexual Slavery, Self-Harm, BDSM as a Form of Self-Harm, Minor Character Death(s), Arson, Shades of Black Widow Wei Wuxian, Extremely Dubious Consent, Rape/Non-Con Elements, Normalized Homosexuality and Bisexuality, Normalized Polyamory, Nonsexual BDSM, Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, Pining Wei Wuxian, Jealous Wei Wuxian, Touch-Starved Wei Wuxian, Professional Dominant Wei Wuxian, Sex Worker Wei Wuxian, Gentle Dom Lan Wangji, Mean Dom Lan Wangji, Oblivious Lan Wangji, Past Wen Chao/Wei Wuxian, Minor Jin Guangyao/Wei Wuxian, Mentioned Wei Wuxian/Others, Emotional Infidelity, Angst with a Happy Ending, Endgame Wangxian, Mo Xuanyu Also Gets a Happy Ending, the tags are scary but i promise there's some lightheartedness too, wangxian love one another so much, wei wuxian is healed by the power of nonsexual bdsm and friendship, and then gets bdsm'd quite sexually and happily by the love of his life, Additional Warnings In Author's Note
The redolent scent of peppercorns and chili peppers rouses Wei Wuxian from the half doze he’s fallen into. Mind muddled and eyes gritty, he pushes himself upright, surprised to find it far darker outside than the last time he remembers looking. Mo Xuanyu is standing in the doorway, a tray in his hand. Several bowls and glasses pack the surface of it, but Mo Xuanyu holds it steady. Though he is quiet and very still, carefully watchful, his presence must be the thing that woke Wei Wuxian.
The steady beat of Wei Wuxian’s heart counts out the seconds they spend staring at one another in awkward silence.
Finally, Mo Xuanyu smiles in a way that is reminiscent of donning armor.
“Xian-ge,” he says quietly. “I hate to disturb you, but you should probably eat something.”
“Where’s Lan Zhan?”
The question falls from Wei Wuxian’s mouth without his consent, as though he’s been scrubbed free of everything but the ability to speak as he wishes to speak. Mo Xuanyu’s smile tightens slightly, as does his grip on the tray. “He’s cleaning up in the kitchen. If you’d prefer to eat out there with him, you can certainly do so. I think he’d be glad if you did.”
The sooner they get around to pretending nothing is wrong, the better, but Wei Wuxian cannot face such an exhausting prospect just yet. He shakes his head.
“Then may I bring this in for you?”
Achy still from what Lan Zhan did to him and feeling hung over from it besides, he gestures Mo Xuanyu inside.
When Mo Xuanyu lowers the tray onto Wei Wuxian’s lap—absolutely ridiculous that he should be waited upon like this—he sees that Mo Xuanyu has made mala chicken for him. The dried peppers glisten beautifully. Gentle curls of steam waft toward the ceiling, carrying the scent of garlic and scallions. Several small salads accompany it, as well as rice, tea, and a glass of tepid water. He picks through the peppers with the chopsticks and pops a piece of the chicken into his mouth. Though his appetite before now was entirely absent, it crawls back to him amid the delicious flavor of the meat.
“You worked too hard,” Wei Wuxian says. The numbing heat of it settles on his tongue. “It’s delicious. Thank you.”
“Not at all,” Mo Xuanyu replies, ducking his head. Whether he is pleased with the praise or not, Wei Wuxian can’t say. “You don’t have to be so polite with me.”
Before Wei Wuxian can answer, Lan Zhan appears in the doorway, too. He hesitates the same way Mo Xuanyu did. It makes him feel like a hospital patient being plied with food this way while his visitors watch helplessly as he convalesces, or maybe like a grenade of uncertain provenance sitting like a snake in the middle of the grass. Will he detonate if they approach? Or can he be neutralized?
“You don’t have to stand there gaping at me like a pair of particularly attractive fish.”
The shot lands with Lan Zhan, who looks away immediately. “We should leave him to rest.”
Mo Xuanyu isn’t so easily cowed. “But—”
“Xuanyu, if he wants privacy, he should be afforded it.”
That isn’t what he said in the slightest, and he thinks they both know it, but he doesn’t want to fight Lan Zhan on his meaning right now, not when he could have simply said come in already if that’s what he wanted to do. Lan Zhan has the right of it. Putting distance between them would be for the best, and that’s something Wei Wuxian is willing to do for him to keep from making things terribly awkward going forward. After all, Lan Zhan has done far more than is necessary to ensure Wei Wuxian’s well being. Though he hasn’t been perfect, Wei Wuxian hasn’t made it easy for him.
Lan Zhan’s persistence has granted Wei Wuxian a degree of clarity he hasn’t experienced in years. Whatever else Lan Zhan has made him feel, Wei Wuxian cannot help being grateful to him for providing that catharsis. If the price for such grace required divesting himself of one of his most cherished secrets, so be it. It’s better to be able to think a little rationally about things than simply go through the motions, relying on the hard shell of his body to see him through instead.
In truth, this hasn’t destroyed him, much as Wen Chao couldn’t destroy him, much as the club couldn’t destroy him. The thing he feared would happen as a result of going under has happened, and it has not wrecked him beyond repair.
With the benefit of Lan Zhan’s skill, he can see all the things he left behind when he allowed himself to fall into Madam Yang’s hands instead of facing any of them. He thinks he might be able to do it now.
“Lan Zhan, I’d like to go for a while. If you draw up the documentation stating I have permission even as a contracted individual to travel, it shouldn’t be a problem. I know how not to be bothered in public.”
He doesn’t expect an argument and isn’t disappointed when he doesn’t receive one. They might not understand one another well, but it’s hard not to suss out patterns of behavior, of thought processes. This whole time, Lan Zhan has shied from making Wei Wuxian feel owned. As long as he thinks Wei Wuxian will be safe, he won’t restrict Wei Wuxian’s movements.
Lan Zhan asks simply, “Where can I take you?”
Wei Wuxian plucks another piece of chicken from the rubble of peppers on the plate. He smiles tightly at the both of them and says nothing. It’s not really their business. He doesn’t have to share.
*
“Wait, wait, wait,” Mo Xuanyu says, following Wei Wuxian around the room as he packs the neutral clothes hanging in the back of the closet. Having been pushed there by days spent wearing more and more daring outfits, they already feel alien to Wei Wuxian’s aesthetics, bland and unlike him. “You’re not really leaving, are you?”
“Only Lan Zhan has the power to stop me,” Wei Wuxian replies. He gestures vaguely, emphasizing the point that Lan Zhan isn’t stopping him. For once, he doesn’t want to be stopped.
“But…” Mo Xuanyu furrows his brow. “Where can you go?”
He obviously doesn’t mean to be cruel, but it comes across as cruel regardless, the implication that Wei Wuxian has nothing and no one outside of Lan Zhan and this residence and all the temptations both of those things can offer him. It’s true that Wei Wuxian doesn’t have many options, but he’s been lax in pursuing any of them.
The truth is, there were times when he truly had no recourse. Letting himself fall into a pattern of believing that still holds true would be giving up. “Does it matter?”
Mo Xuanyu stares at him, a flummoxed expression on his face. “You think it doesn’t? Ge, you—” Mo Xuanyu puts himself between the closet and Wei Wuxian’s body. “You’re not thinking straight. I know you were… I know it was bad for you back then. I know everything now probably feels strange and different and scary, but—”
The way Mo Xuanyu is trying to make him feel better only succeeds in making him feel like an unnecessarily coddled ancient creature, far too old to be treated so carefully. “Don’t worry so much,” he replies, cool. Mo Xuanyu is so earnest. Just looking at him blooms a twinge of pain in his chest. It makes him want to promise things he has no business promising. “You’re looking at me like you think I’m going to disappear for good.”
“Aren’t you?”
“How far can I really go with Lan Zhan holding my contract, huh?” Wei Wuxian says. His words do nothing to assuage Mo Xuanyu. Though the miserable expression on his face succeeds in softening Wei Wuxian’s resolve, it doesn’t crush it. He feels safe enough to reach out and press his thumb to the soft, perfumed skin of Mo Xuanyu’s cheek, sweeping gently over the circles that seem too have formed out of nowhere under his eyes before reaching up to viciously ruffle Mo Xuanyu’s hair. “Come on, don’t be like this. Won’t it be nice to have him to yourself again?”
Mo Xuanyu’s eyes flash with hurt. “Is that really how you think I feel?”
“I…”
Turning out of Wei Wuxian’s touch, Mo Xuanyu paces, wraps his arms around his midsection. He shakes his head, brushing the perfect strands of his hair out of his face. “Because I’m so demanding of Lan Zhan’s time and attentions that I’d deprive you both of the chance to reconnect?”
This, too, feels cruel, a little nasty, not like the Mo Xuanyu Wei Wuxian knows. Wei Wuxian’s best hasn’t been very good, it’s true, but hearing Mo Xuanyu’s disdain makes him realize how bad his best has been.
“It was nice of you to give me the chance—”
“Nice? You think I’ve been nice?”
Annoyed, Wei Wuxian shoots back, “You think you haven’t?”
“I think you don’t understand how delighted I was to see him show an interest in someone else.”
“Mo Xuanyu…”
“And you’re gorgeous, did you know? Of course you have to know. I thought I might have won the lottery. Wangji and I have always—” He looks away and seems to realize his voice is a little raised, because when he begins to speak again, he’s lowered it. “Our relationship is good, okay? We’ve never not known one another’s preferences and we knew what we were getting into when we got together. Wangji made very sure of that. It works fine. It is fine. We’re fine. Fine was what I needed once. Maybe fine was what he needed, too. I love the fine we’ve built together. It matters to me.”
Wei Wuxian isn’t sure why Mo Xuanyu is telling him this again. He’s known the whole time. It’s pretty much the first thing he was told about them. They’re healthy and communicative and give one another the space they need to fulfill themselves as best they can. The only thing that could make them more ideal would be if their tastes were the same in every respect, which probably wouldn’t happen anyway. Even the closest couples aren’t likely to perfectly align in every respect.
Mo Xuanyu’s shoulders slump. “But there are limits to what fine can accomplish when fine is no longer enough.” He holds out his hands, palms up, fingers spread as he shrugs. “I saw how things could be for us and I want that. I think it’s possible fine isn’t enough for him anymore either, but I don’t know for sure. I’m not even sure he knows the answer yet.”
“Mo Xuanyu, he—”
Wei Wuxian’s promise—Lan Zhan will definitely choose you, he wants to say, or he should anyway—dies on his lips as Mo Xuanyu raises his hands as though to shield himself.
“Do you want to know what I imagined that first night you were here?” Mo Xuanyu asks.
Wei Wuxian remains silent.
“I imagined the three of us fucking, and what I would do to make you both come around on the idea.” It’s strange, hearing Mo Xuanyu speak so bluntly, how quickly and viciously he spits out filthy words. It just doesn’t match the soft image he presents of himself, sweet and fun and light. “I don’t normally go for receiving blow jobs, but I thought about Wangji ordering me to use your mouth while he took you. I thought about how I wouldn’t be forceful enough, that Wangji would have to prod me into being rougher. It wasn’t that hard to get into it admittedly. You have that kind of face. Even I’m not immune, I guess.” He reaches out as though to touch Wei Wuxian, but lets his arm fall at the last moment. “I’ve never been able to fantasize about Wangji with another man. I just couldn’t see it.”
Despite himself, Wei Wuxian imagines it, too, the way Mo Xuanyu wouldn’t lean easily into being rough about it, not like Lan Zhan would be, but once he got there, he’d get there. He imagines how arousing it might be to Lan Zhan, how it would make him competitive, push him to be even meaner to Wei Wuxian. Maybe they’d push Wei Wuxian to the point of crying, wringing everything from him. They could bully him mercilessly and leave him a mess of their fluids and his own at the end of it.
He sees it and wishes it appealed to him.
“My point is that I know what Wangji wants and I don’t understand why he won’t take it. I don’t understand why you won’t either. And I don’t understand why neither of you will talk to me about it. If you want to do your own thing together without me, it’s not like I’d get in the way of that.”
“You’re unselfish,” Wei Wuxian says.
“I’m really not.”
“You’re telling him you’d share him with me. What else would you call it?”
“Normal? No more nor less than what he does for me? I just want you both to be happy, and I like to think about the two of you getting to have that. But I’m not unselfish. There are things I want, too.” Mo Xuanyu’s gaze is clear as he looks at Wei Wuxian. Unlike Wei Wuxian, unlike Lan Zhan, he is fearless. “Like for you to be with us properly. Even knowing Wangji’s preferences, I want it. And I thought he might give it to me, if it was you.”
“Mo Xuanyu…”
“I like you. I feel like I know you. I…” His lips begin to tremble. Finally, he looks away, as though he can see the rejection for which he is putting himself out and doesn’t want to gaze into it. “I truly thought you would be the person who could give me what I want.”
In Mo Xuanyu’s voice, he hears his own pointless desires echoing back at him. To his ears, wanting to be with Lan Zhan doesn’t sound so different from Mo Xuanyu thinking Wei Wuxian was capable of giving him anything.
“Joke’s on you,” he says weakly. He abandons the closet, sits heavily on the edge of the bed.
Mo Xuanyu follows him. Unlike Wei Wuxian, he kneels, knees kissing the floor with twin dull thuds, and leans his head against Wei Wuxian’s knee, breathes deeply before he asks, “You’re like him, aren’t you?”
“Yes,” he says, because there’s no point in hiding it now. There’s no one to hide it from. He wasn’t even hiding it before, Mo Xuanyu just never asked.
“His perfect match, then,” Mo Xuanyu continues wistfully.
Wei Wuxian snorts. The last thing they are to one another is perfect. That doesn’t mean it couldn’t have been the best thing for them in different circumstances. “If I could like you the way you deserve, I would. I’d try to be what you want me to be.” His hand finds a natural place carding through the soft, gently braided strands of Mo Xuanyu’s hair. “Maybe before, I could have.” But his ability to shape himself to another person’s desires was used up long ago. He can only be himself, even if that means being alone. “It’s a nice dream, the things you want for us.”
Dreams aren’t enough. If that were so, he would have saved himself a lot of trouble a lot sooner.
“You really can’t be convinced?”
Wei Wuxian shakes his head.
“Then what will you do?”
Wei Wuxian feels a smile pull at the corner of his mouth, not quite a free and happy one, nor a weighted, sad one. He doesn’t know quite what it is. “You know, I never let myself think about what I would do after,” he says, “but I left a lot of messes behind me after I slipped my contract with Wen Chao.”
Mo Xuanyu opens his mouth and closes it again. No doubt he wants to know exactly what Wei Wuxian means, but he manages to hold is tongue, simply letting himself look up at Wei Wuxian, his chin perched on Wei Wuxian’s knee.
“It would be good to clean a few of them up.” He carefully extricates himself from Mo Xuanyu, already missing the warmth of Mo Xuanyu’s body against his as he resumes gathering clothes. “Take care of Lan Zhan in the meantime, huh? You’re special to him.”
“You can’t be serious,” Mo Xuanyu says, rising to his feet, following him, practically plastering himself against Wei Wuxian’s back. “You think I’m the one who’s special here?” He laughs, but it isn’t a happy laugh. It’s not a sad one either. In this case, Wei Wuxian knows precisely what it is: derisive, disbelieving. “Wei Wuxian, it’s obvious he feels obligated to me. If you have to go, go, but don’t let yourself be fooled about why you’re going. If it’s because of Wangji’s feelings… you really ought to give it a second thought.”
“He picked you. What’s there to think about?”
Mo Xuanyu’s expression is fixed, determined. “He didn’t, but if you won’t stay, I’ll do my best to ensure he and I are happy even so. Maybe when you come back, things will be different?”
Wei Wuxian hears what Mo Xuanyu doesn’t say. I’ll fight for what I want even if you won’t.
What Mo Xuanyu doesn’t seem to realize is that Wei Wuxian doesn’t have the fight in him for something like this. He can only accept Lan Zhan’s words and actions at face value, the same as he can only take Mo Xuanyu’s in the same spirit. Only Lan Zhan can change things between them. It’s okay that Mo Xuanyu doesn’t understand that, that he maybe thinks Wei Wuxian is quitting.
Maybe Mo Xuanyu is right and Lan Zhan hasn’t chosen, but that, too, is a choice. It tells Wei Wuxian everything he needs to know anyway.
He says, honest and dishonest at the same time, “I’m hope you’re right.”
He doesn’t say, honest and dishonest at the same time, I’m glad you want to try.