Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - BDSM, Biologically Determined Dom/sub Roles, BDSM, Bad BDSM etiquette, Sadism, Masochism, Past Sexual Abuse, Sexual Slavery, Self-Harm, BDSM as a Form of Self-Harm, Minor Character Death(s), Arson, Shades of Black Widow Wei Wuxian, Extremely Dubious Consent, Rape/Non-Con Elements, Normalized Homosexuality and Bisexuality, Normalized Polyamory, Nonsexual BDSM, Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, Pining Wei Wuxian, Jealous Wei Wuxian, Touch-Starved Wei Wuxian, Professional Dominant Wei Wuxian, Sex Worker Wei Wuxian, Gentle Dom Lan Wangji, Mean Dom Lan Wangji, Oblivious Lan Wangji, Past Wen Chao/Wei Wuxian, Minor Jin Guangyao/Wei Wuxian, Mentioned Wei Wuxian/Others, Emotional Infidelity, Angst with a Happy Ending, Endgame Wangxian, Mo Xuanyu Also Gets a Happy Ending, the tags are scary but i promise there's some lightheartedness too, wangxian love one another so much, wei wuxian is healed by the power of nonsexual bdsm and friendship, and then gets bdsm'd quite sexually and happily by the love of his life, Additional Warnings In Author's Note
Wei Wuxian might have clung forever to his younger brother if not for Wen Qing clearing her throat, the only one to show anything approaching composure out of the four of them. When Wei Wuxian looks at Wen Ning, even he looks a little misty eyed, a tiny smile on his mouth. Jiang Cheng, always too easily embarrassed, steps back and crosses his arms, unable to meet Wei Wuxian’s eyes any longer. A laugh almost bubbles up within Wei Wuxian. If there’s one comfort to be had in this world, it’s that even with everything that happened, Jiang Cheng is as he always was.
Wei Wuxian can’t help but think, if Jiang Cheng can do it, so can I.
“Let’s go inside,” Wen Qing says, looking away from them, her ears pink. Next to her, Wen Ning smiles even more sweetly. “There have been enough spectators for this conversation already, don’t you think?”
Though a few of the pedestrians making their way down the sidewalk glance their way, it means little enough to Wei Wuxian that he’s been so sappy. In the past, he might have leaned into it, hoping to embarrass Jiang Cheng further—he was always so sensitive—but it feels cheap trying such a tactic now.
He’s too sick of the shame that has piled up around him. The last thing he wants is to dump more on the people he cares about, silly though the source might be.
“Lead the way,” he says.
*
As soon as they’ve stuffed themselves into Wen Ning’s cramped, awkward little office, Jiang Cheng is the first one to speak, pacing around the space like he owns it or at least feels at home within it. “What exactly happened?”
Even if he could compressed the answer into something short palatable, he wouldn’t answer. Besides, everyone here knows what happened, the important parts anyway. “You seem cozy here,” he replies instead.
Jiang Cheng flushes. Even Wen Qing looks a little shy. Wei Wuxian is immediately and desperately baffled by their reactions until something clicks in his mind. He points between the two of them, connecting a pair of excessively obvious dots. “You? How—”
“Shut up,” Jiang Cheng snaps. “You’ve been here five minutes. You don’t get to pull the concerned older brother card.”
“Aiya, Jiang Cheng. I’m not—”
“You want to say what anyone would say,” Jiang Cheng says, going on the defensive before Wei Wuxian can even wrap his mind around what he’s hearing. “How can two submissives even work, right?”
That wasn’t actually what he was thinking before, but it looms large now. How would it work truly? He understands attraction, but without a Dominant to fill certain needs…
Jiang Cheng and Wen Qing exchange inscrutable looks.
…whatever. It’s really not his business anyway. It’s not like he hasn’t felt attraction to another submissive. Who is he to judge? “It caught me by surprise, that’s all. I’m happy for you.”
With an aggrieved sigh, Jiang Cheng scrubs his face. “Unbelievable. I can’t have one thing remain private for even an hour, but you’re out there mysteriously disappearing for seven years and I can’t even get a word out of you.”
Jiang Cheng is right. Wei Wuxian owes him something. “My contract was signed over to Lan Zhan recently,” he says, voice low. That won’t mean much to Jiang Cheng, who didn’t attend etiquette classes back then, second mother too fearful that he’d be caught if he went, but the name should be familiar. And it should ease his mind that Wei Wuxian has gone with a Lan.
“Lan Zhan?” Jiang Cheng wrinkles his nose. His first reaction to things is always careless judgment. It’s what comes after that matters. “That guy you wouldn’t shut up about when we were kids? How did he find you when we couldn’t?”
“Luck,” Wei Wuxian answers, though he doesn’t know what kind it could be considered. It feels neither are suitable to explain how Wei Wuxian feels about the situation. He is lucky to be out of the club, and he is unlucky to have fallen in love with Lan Zhan at all. Loving Lan Zhan is the best thing that ever happened to him, and being found by him was not the fairy tale he might have told himself about any reunion they could have shared.
“Why didn’t he dissolve it?” Jiang Cheng continues. He always did love to press and prod and poke at anything to do with Wei Wuxian until he’d insinuated himself inside of it, too. “Isn’t that what a good person would do? I thought the Lans were upstanding people.”
The last thing he wants to do is tarnish Jiang Cheng’s opinion of second mother, explain to him how she wasn’t as careful with it as she should have been, that it’s kept him bound for years longer than was necessary. It would be an unnecessary blow, one from which he’ll save Jiang Cheng for as long as possible, forever if he can manage it. He could argue until he’s blue in the face that Lan Zhan would have dissolved it if he could, but it won’t change anything. He didn’t because he couldn’t and Wei Wuxian doesn’t want Jiang Cheng to know why.
“Who had it before?” Jiang Cheng asks. He’s gotten sharper since he was young, a deadly thing when Wei Wuxian’s secrets are on the line.
“Doesn’t matter,” he says. “It all happened fast after Nightless City. There was nothing anyone could have done under those circumstances.”
“But—”
“Jiang Cheng, you can obsess over it if you want, but there’s no going backward. What’s the point in lingering on it? Isn’t the fact that we’re here now the important thing?”
Though Jiang Cheng’s expression flattens, he doesn’t argue with Wei Wuxian.
“We worked quickly, but the police told us he was turned over to the contract authorization bureau,” Wen Qing says authoritatively, her tone stoic, entirely devoid of pity. Wei Wuxian could kiss her for her discretion. What she doesn’t say, what Wei Wuxian suspects she’s holding back for his sake, is the fact that it only could have happened so quickly if Wei Wuxian didn’t fight them on it.
Jiang Cheng’s expression softens slightly.
Wen Qing is a miracle worker, truly.
Then, Jiang Cheng says, “Lan Zhan. He’s not related to Lan Wangji is he?”
Wei Wuxian’s blood freezes. No good can come from the tone with which Jiang Cheng says Lan Zhan’s name, but he can’t bring himself to lie.
Unfortunately, Jiang Cheng still knows him well enough to tell when Wei Wuxian is hedging. Before Wei Wuxian can soften the blow of that news, he’s already raising a fuss. “That guy is unhinged,” he insists. “When he and I were trying to find out what happened to you…”
Jiang Cheng’s words strike harder than any physical blow. Of course, he’d known Lan Zhan had looked for him, but he hadn’t known he and Jiang Cheng had done it together, that Lan Zhan might have been unhinged on his behalf.
“You should have seen him at business meetings. He’d constantly corner me and act like I wasn’t doing everything possible to find you. Out of everyone I had to hold my own against on a daily basis… he was the worst. Well, almost the worst.” His expression screws into an unpleasant scowl. “Maybe he was right. Clearly you shouldn’t have been as hard to find as you were if he just picked you up like it was nothing.”
“Wanyin,” Wen Qing says. Though Wei Wuxian can’t tell what she means by saying his name in that tone of voice, he can see the calming effect it has on Jiang Cheng.
“He’s not…” Jiang Cheng flaps his hand. “He wasn’t making you do anything, was he? I heard he absconded with one of Jin Guangshan’s bastards. Is he unsafe?”
“No, Jiang Cheng,” Wei Wuxian replies, a shard of ice stabbing into him at the reference to Mo Xuanyu, his reduction in Jiang Cheng’s eyes to a bastard. “He’s not making me do anything.”
Though Jiang Cheng scoffs, he doesn’t argue, pivoting to a less fraught topic. “So what are you going to do now?”
“Make amends,” Wei Wuxian replies. “Get my head on straight.”
“And then go back to Lan Wangji?” Jiang Cheng asks sourly.
“I guess so,” Wei Wuxian replies.
“For good?”
He laughs bitterly. Ah, wouldn’t that be the dream? “No,” he admits.
“Is he making you go back?” Jiang Cheng asks, pesters really. He’s so painfully determined. And the thing is, Wei Wuxian doesn’t have a rational reason to go back. Again, Jiang Cheng seems to know what he’s thinking. “I don’t think you should. Jie will want to see you. That’s who you’ll really need to worry about locking you up. And if you need help, Wen Qing will be able to, right? Whatever he’s giving you, you don’t need it.”
“If he wants help, I can give it,” she says, perhaps a shade too perceptive.
Though Wei Wuxian’s heart tugs at Jiang Cheng’s earnestness, how can he face his family like this? As painful as it is to be with Lan Zhan, at least the pain only binds him up tight. Frankly, he doesn’t want them to see him as he is now, doesn’t want them to know even more fully how difficult it has been for him, what he’s done. As much as it hurts, Lan Zhan already knows everything. Every tripwire has already been triggered. There is comfort to be taken in that, small and cold though that comfort is.
“Ge?” Jiang Cheng asks.
Something unclenches in Wei Wuxian’s chest. If he can be Jiang Cheng’s ge again, then things can’t be too dire. “I came here to apologize,” Wei Wuxian says. “That’s all I was ready to do.” Even as he sits here, seeing that all is not lost for him, he feels himself being pulled back to Lan Zhan and the tangled mess he’s left behind there. He’s gone about this the wrong way around. “Jiang Cheng—”
“You can’t not see jie,” he says fiercely. “That’s—it’s unfair.”
“I don’t want her to see—”
“What’s there to see or not see? You’re fine. She won’t care about anything else beyond knowing you’re okay.”
Okay is relative at best. She’ll see through it.
“You can’t expect me to hide this from her,” Jiang Cheng says, and that’s true enough. Saying it like that, it’s obvious how unfair it is. But he also knows he’ll crumble if he has to look her in the eyes. He can’t do it, not until he’s got himself squared away and settled properly. Just like he can’t tell Jiang Cheng he wasn’t ready to see him either, that he’s only holding it together now because he has to. Who is supposed to take care of whom here? Certainly not Jiang Cheng. What good is Wei Wuxian as his older brother if he can’t ease Jiang Cheng’s mind.
The little courage that carried him here withers.
“I’ll call her,” he says. “We can send messages back and forth until things are better.”
Even to his own ears, he sounds awful, defeated. He can fix one thing only to find another broken in the repair of the first is ashamed of himself, pathetically so. His shoulders slump under the weight. This is yet another thing he’ll have to fix. Maybe he can start now.
“You said you could help me?” he asks, attention shifting to Wen Qing. “Like you’re helping Jiang Cheng?” Being able to face jiejie would be worth it, and the thought of Lan Zhan having the option to ditch him without consequences to Wei Wuxian’s health is compelling. Even clearing Lan Zhan of his feeling of responsibility by a day would be an improvement.
He’s always loathed the thought of going to a clinic for assistance, but this is different. This gives him room to maneuver, an exit strategy, a way forward on a road that he can walk alone.
“Yes,” she says, “if that’s what you want.”
*
She takes Wei Wuxian through the lab, explaining that it will likely take some time to see good results, that he’ll probably think it’s useless at first as she talks through the methodology and science. A few of her research team nods in acknowledgment of their presence, but otherwise pay them little mind. He’ll need to stay in Xi’an if that’s possible for him.
“You’re pretty strong mentally already, I think,” Wen Qing says, once she’s sequestered him in her office. “That part shouldn’t be difficult for you. Some of our participants have feared trying to find out who they are outside of this aspect of their biology.”
He already knows what he’s like. It’s not ideal.
“They don’t know who they can be when they’re rendered null.”
Wei Wuxian’s stomach drops before he’s fully comprehended her meaning. “It does what?”
Her brows furrow briefly, but she recovers quickly. “The process disrupts the neurochemical processes that tell your body submission is necessary and pleasurable. You wouldn’t have the same relationship to your body, sexuality, and romantic inclinations.”
“Is it permanent?” he asks, immediately repulsed. “You permanently changed Jiang Cheng with this?”
Wen Qing purses her lips. “It’s not meant to be a vacation,” she says finally. “It’s for people who can’t stand the thought—”
“That’s not me.” His heart twists at the thought that Jiang Cheng would do this, even that Wen Qing would do this. That they could loathe this part of themselves so much… “I just want a break.” Thinking about it, he’s not even sure he wants a break. He just wants to live in some idealized version of reality where he doesn’t have to rely on Lan Zhan, where he could want someone else. That has nothing to do with carving himself up. “Your participants are okay with this? Jiang Cheng? You?”
“I would be happy if I never felt compelled by anyone again. And Wanyin is of a similar mind to me.”
“Because he never had a chance to—” Wei Wuxian cuts himself off before he says something too indiscreet. He doesn’t know how much Wen Qing knows about Jiang Cheng’s upbringing. Maybe she knows everything, or maybe she only knows what she saw. Regardless, he can’t walk into Jiang Cheng’s life and dictate what he should and shouldn’t do. He lost the right to have an opinion long ago. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he says, “We’re not talking about him.”
“No,” she agrees calmly. “It’s not the right step for everyone, and I know if we ever get out of trials, the public will be less than appreciative of our efforts here. But there are enough of us who don’t like to be burdened this way to justify it even if no one else agrees. If you want to try it, I’ll be happy to guide you through the process. If you don’t, that’s fine, too.”
“I don’t.”
“There are a few labs nominally focused on blockers. I simply chose to apply my focus elsewhere. I can put you in touch with someone if you’d like.”
“No,” he says. It’s one thing to trust people who know what he’s been through. It’s another to allow himself to be prodded by a stranger. At that point, he might as well go to a clinic and be artificially brought under until he evens out properly. Save himself the time. Though he thinks he should feel disappointed to have this door closed to him, he feels immense relief instead. He loves submitting, loves the idea of it, the possibilities. In and of itself, it’s a joy to him—or could be. It’s something he doesn’t want to lose, if it can be helped. He doesn’t like feeling burdened by it. Perhaps being reminded of that fact is a good thing. “No, that’s alright. I don’t really need blockers.”
“Then what do you need?”
He opens his mouth to answer, realizing too late that he doesn’t know the answer himself beyond knowing that the risks here aren’t worth whatever it is he’s looking for. He supposes he’ll have to settle simply for being away from Lan Zhan for a time.
Lacing her fingers together, she leans against her desk. “A-Ning would help you, too, if that’s the kind of help you need. I can tell just by looking at you that you’re stressed. Wen Chao liked to gloat about what he did. That would have been awful all on its own, but I can only imagine what you went through after you got out, trying to process that.”
“That’s…” This possibility is far more devastating merely for being truly tempting. A safe Dominant to play with would solve so many problems, someone he knows and likes. There are few people he thinks he can trust more than Wen Ning, and he certainly likes what he knows of Wen Ning. “No. I don’t think that’s something I can do.”
Wen Ning is a good man, but Wei Wuxian doesn’t think he’s ready to put himself in the hands of another Dominant, no matter how much he might trust him. It wouldn’t be fair. If Wen Ning were to develop feelings for him…
“No, that’s not possible right now.”
Wen Qing nods. He notices suddenly how soft her edges have gotten since Inferno Palace. There is concern in her eye, but no need to push herself around or make demands of him. “The offer will be open, I’m sure. Mine is in any case. I’d be happy to find anything for you that might be more suitable.”
“You don’t have to.” His reaction is knee jerk. It was hard enough letting Lan Zhan help him. Dragging anyone else into his situation feels like too much. “I didn’t come here expecting more than a chance to be heard out.”
“Well,” she says. “You’ve put A-Ning at ease. That squares any complaints I may or may not have had about what you did, but it wouldn’t be troublesome to me to do this regardless. It’s important to me that other submissives get to be and do what they want.”
He tells her he’ll consider what she’s said. And when Jiang Cheng comes to collect him, he says the same to Jiang Cheng, not wanting to disappoint him or suggest he will judge Jiang Cheng for walking a path he cannot take.
He thanks Wen Ning again on the way out and insists that Jiang Cheng come back to his hotel room with him when he starts poking at the train schedule on his phone. “What are you doing, trying to take a train back this late? There’s room enough with me. Go back in the morning. You should get some rest anyway. You look tired.”
“I’m always tired after coming in,” Jiang Cheng grouses. “Sometimes I stay with Wen Qing, but I’ve been here too long already. I guess if you don’t mind, I’ll crash with you. Closer to the train station anyway.”
It would be the perfect opening to ask Jiang Cheng about why he’d rendered himself null, but he can’t give voice to the words, doesn’t dare express to Jiang Cheng how troubling it is that something as painful and important to Wei Wuxian could be tossed aside so neatly in Jiang Cheng’s case.
“Are you happy?”
“No,” Jiang Cheng admits, not even having to stop and think about it. “Or… things are good with Wen Qing. Jie is being treated well. I can’t really ask for anything else at this point. It’s fine for what it is. Better now.” He cuts a glance toward Wei Wuxian. It’s late enough as they walk back to the hotel that most of Jiang Cheng’s expression is obscured by the sharply cast shadows from the street lights lining the sidewalk. “Even if you were a bastard hiding from us for so long.”
“Yeah, sorry about that.”
Jiang Cheng rolls his eyes, kicks at the sidewalk, scuffing his shoes over the concrete. “Fuck you,” he says without any real malice.
Wei Wuxian can only grin. He thinks he might like this Jiang Cheng, null or not, even if he misses the boy he’d been, the one who’d needed Wei Wuxian to prop him up. Bumping elbows with Jiang Cheng, he says cheerfully, “At least it can’t get any worse, right?”
Scoffing, Jiang Cheng asks, “So what are you going to do now?”
Though his mind doesn’t know the best path forward, his heart does. “Can I come home for a little while?”
“Don’t be stupid.” He’s already swiping through his phone, buying train tickets from the looks of it. “I was planning on hauling your ass back by your collar if you said anything else.”