Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - BDSM, Biologically Determined Dom/sub Roles, BDSM, Bad BDSM etiquette, Sadism, Masochism, Past Sexual Abuse, Sexual Slavery, Self-Harm, BDSM as a Form of Self-Harm, Minor Character Death(s), Arson, Shades of Black Widow Wei Wuxian, Extremely Dubious Consent, Rape/Non-Con Elements, Normalized Homosexuality and Bisexuality, Normalized Polyamory, Nonsexual BDSM, Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, Pining Wei Wuxian, Jealous Wei Wuxian, Touch-Starved Wei Wuxian, Professional Dominant Wei Wuxian, Sex Worker Wei Wuxian, Gentle Dom Lan Wangji, Mean Dom Lan Wangji, Oblivious Lan Wangji, Past Wen Chao/Wei Wuxian, Minor Jin Guangyao/Wei Wuxian, Mentioned Wei Wuxian/Others, Emotional Infidelity, Angst with a Happy Ending, Endgame Wangxian, Mo Xuanyu Also Gets a Happy Ending, the tags are scary but i promise there's some lightheartedness too, wangxian love one another so much, wei wuxian is healed by the power of nonsexual bdsm and friendship, and then gets bdsm'd quite sexually and happily by the love of his life, Additional Warnings In Author's Note
With Jin Zixuan’s arrival, Lotus Pier falls into a new pattern, smaller groups going their own way. Mo Xuanyu tends to run with his brother and Jin Ling and Jiang Yanli. Wen Qing and Wen Ning spend a lot of their time with Jiang Cheng, sometimes discussing the work they’re doing together back in Xi’an, sometimes simply hanging out together. For his own part, Wei Wuxian would feel reasonably comfortable inserting himself into either group’s day, perhaps flitting between the two when he got annoyed with Jin Zixuan or when Jiang Cheng got annoyed with him.
What he’s not comfortable with is abandoning Lan Zhan, who only really knows Wei Wuxian and Mo Xuanyu. And so he feels responsible for Lan Zhan.
Before, Wei Wuxian’s searing, despairing need had sucked away any opportunity to stand on equal ground with Lan Zhan. Now, he has the chance to provide something to Lan Zhan in return, even if it’s only a few diversions and the realization of a few childhood dreams.
He goes to collect Lan Zhan from his room in the mornings, racking his brain each day for what they might do to occupy the hours. He cooks breakfast sometimes, if Jiang Yanli isn’t up and hasn’t already gotten around to it. They chat about nothing and everything as they walk the grounds.
There are so many things he wants to do with Lan Zhan, a whole list of things, and he’s working through them slowly and diligently. After all, Lan Zhan did say Wei Wuxian could do anything with him.
“Lan Zhan, let’s go to the lake,” he says, one morning, watching Lan Zhan from across the island as they eat. Nobody else is awake yet, and Wei Wuxian is already bored. “It’s not too far if you don’t mind driving.”
“I don’t,” Lan Zhan says.
After Wei Wuxian has raided the refrigerator for snacks, arranged swim trunks and towels and sunscreen for both of them, they set off. The sun is still rising as they pile into the car, Wei Wuxian yawning through the winding directions that take them to Wei Wuxian’s favorite spot. He leans his head against the window and looks out on the road, relaxes as he watches how quickly it secludes, going from private land to highway to small, local roads again. The whole time, Lan Zhan is a silent, comforting presence at his side.
Whenever Lan Zhan’s hand slips over the gear, Wei Wuxian notices the movement out of the corner of his eye, unable to stop himself from focusing on it. Occasionally, Lan Zhan catches him looking, but doesn’t say or do anything out of the ordinary when he does. Frankly, Wei Wuxian isn’t sure what he would do if Lan Zhan did something out of the ordinary. Go with it probably. Take more. Take Lan Zhan at his word: do what you will with me, touch me however you wish.
Lan Zhan has always been good for his word, once it’s given. Wei Wuxian can feel neither tricked nor trapped.
What he wishes to do is not terribly conductive to driving safely.
“Wei Ying?” Lan Zhan asks, voice soft enough that it almost doesn’t disrupt the wayward trail of Wei Wuxian’s thoughts. “How much further?”
He shakes his head, clears his throat, looks around. “Turn’s about a kilometer. There’ll be a sign. You cant miss it.”
*
The sun glints off the water, dazzling to the eye even from the small, dirt-packed parking area he remembers. Though there are a few others there, older men cutting through the water like knives as they exercise, it’s mostly empty. “This way,” Wei Wuxian says, leading him down a shady pathway that rounds toward the back side of the lake, even more secluded and lovely. Without thinking much about it, he wraps his hand around Lan Zhan’s wrist and drags him along.
It’s only when they arrive that he realizes he’s gone so far as to interlink their fingers, that his heart is in his throat, that he wants more with Lan Zhan than he’s ever taken before and he’s closer to a world where that’s possible than he’s ever been. Even when Wei Wuxian was at his most vulnerable with Lan Zhan, he couldn’t say he was this intimate with him.
The things he could do, his heart thrums with them. All the things he’s stopped himself from letting himself have because of circumstances that no longer matter, they are within his grasp. “Lan Zhan.” This far from from the scraps of civilization around them, Wei Wuxian feels daring. “I want to be caught.” He draws in a breath, releases it, lets himself be bold, because that’s what he wants to be. He squeezes Lan Zhan’s hand. “I want to be chased.”
Lan Zhan watches him, motionless, expressionless. Lan Zhan so clearly doesn’t want to take advantage of this situation.
“By you, Lan Zhan. I want it to be by you.” Before Lan Zhan can react, Wei Wuxian laughs, yanks his swim trunks from where they’re tucked under Lan Zhan’s arm and races away with them. He looks back once, catches Lan Zhan still staring, eyes wide, ears pink. Feeling childish, he kicks off his shoes on the smooth, morning cool pebbles that dot the shoreline and skins out of his clothes, quick and not terribly subtle as he crouches to slip into the swim trunks.
Popping up, he flicks his hair out of his eyes. “Hurry up,” he calls, before launching himself into the water. It’s bracing, the water, the cold penetrating all the way to the bone as he wades in and dives beneath the surface, swimming fast and sleek into the deep. When he pokes his head above water again, feet kicking somewhere near the soft, silty bottom, Lan Zhan is shamelessly and methodically removing his own clothing.
“I want you to look at me and only me, okay?” he shouts, averting his eyes before he sees too much, only looking again when.
Lan Zhan acknowledges him with a nod.
As Lan Zhan shamelessly joins him, he can’t help but grin. “Cold?”
“Bracing,” Lan Zhan insists stubbornly despite the goose pimples rising on his skin, matching Wei Wuxian’s thought on the matter.
“If we came later in the day, it would be warmer,” Wei Wuxian replies, “but it would also be busier.”
Water drips into Lan Zhan’s eyes and down his cheeks. A few naughty droplets trace the line of his throat, making Wei Wuxian want to follow their trail with his tongue. His Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows. His tongue is pink as it pokes out to wet his lower lip. “This is fine.”
“You left our stuff on the beach.”
“Are you worried?”
“No.” Kicking a little, he brings himself up until he’s floating, moving his arms just enough that he can drift in a circle around Lan Zhan. Like this, the sun begins to warm his skin. He can’t help noticing the way Lan Zhan’s gaze follows the length of his body; he encourages it with a cat-like stretch.
Lan Zhan’s attention lingers on his hip, exposed by the low cut of the swim trunks. Even that doesn’t matter much, despite Lan Zhan’s unhappy expression. “Wei Ying…”
Wei Wuxian covers the tangle of scar tissue with his palm. “It’s just the price of what I felt I had to do. It doesn’t hurt anymore.” He finds himself somewhat surprised to admit this is true, that even knowing what he knows now and how futile it had been. To prove it, he takes Lan Zhan’s hand, warm even despite the cold water, and brings his hand over. As Lan Zhan carefully follows the contours of it, Wei Wuxian shivers. Though he feels nothing from the wound itself, Lan Zhan’s fingers accidentally caress the skin around it, too, making him react.
“How bad was it truly?” Lan Zhan asks. “I have my suspicions, but…”
Though the swim trunks hide nothing, the water can hide a multitude of secrets. He twists out of Lan Zhan’s touch and kicks away, still facing Lan Zhan, still wanting Lan Zhan, but not wanting to talk about this.
But he ought to, for his own sake, if not for Lan Zhan’s. They won’t find themselves in more private circumstances than this anyway. “It was bad,” he says, as much as he’s willing to speak explicitly of what happened. “Wen Chao wasn’t kind. His father wasn’t kind. It sucked afterward trying to dominate people, to hurt them the way they wanted to be hurt. I tread water so long I didn’t realize I was drowning.” He shrugs one shoulder. “I don’t like knowing I can be made that vulnerable by people I don’t love. I don’t like knowing I could give up like that.” His gaze settles over Lan Zhan’s shoulder, toward the shore and the strong, upright trees standing sentinel in their private little getaway. “There’s little about that time I can say I enjoyed.”
There’s nothing, really, but that sounds dramatic even to him.
When he looks back at Lan Zhan, there’s a brooding, sad downward tilt at the corner of his mouth. Wei Wuxian reaches out and tugs at it, lifting Lan Zhan’s lips in a smile. “Come on, Lan Zhan. It’s all in the past now, really.”
It’s easier to say than he expects it to be, especially when he thinks of everything he’s clawed his way back to. Even Lan Zhan is here with him, when he’d spent his youth certain he’d have to fight an uphil battle to get Lan Zhan to look at him as more than a nuisance.
Lan Zhan wraps his hand around Wei Wuxian’s wrist, pulls Wei Wuxian’s hand away from his mouth, studying it intently before pressing a kiss to Wei Wuxian’s palm. “I would have—”
Wei Wuxian presses his palm tight across Lan Zhan’s mouth, leans in, and lightly kisses the back of his own hand before pulling away again. “I know.”
When they tire of the water—rather, when Wei Wuxian tires of the water, because Lan Zhan seems intent to meet him every step of the way, even when his fingertips prune in a truly undignified manner—they flop onto the sandy, pebble-strewn shore and eat the tastiest fruit Wei Wuxian thinks he’s ever had in his life as he rifles through the storage container Lan Zhan packed for them. “Mm,” he says, ravenous from a morning spent cutting through the water, racing and playing with Lan Zhan, who met him every step of the way. “Mm, Lan Zhan, this is amazing. You have to try it.” He holds up an orange slice. When Lan Zhan tries to grab it, he bites into one side and dares to hold it out that way. It feels illicit, allowing himself to be this naughty, but at the same time, Lan Zhan has let himself be drawn into Wei Wuxian’s nonsense all morning.
That makes it easy to push for more.
So when Lan Zhan leans in and bites the other side, juice splashing Wei Wuxian’s cheek as the flesh of the orange parts for Lan Zhan’s stupid, perfect teeth, Wei Wuxian isn’t surprised, no. He is many other things, overwhelmed, happy, aroused, needy. “Lan Zhan!” he calls, after he’s swallowed the half belonging to him. Grasping Lan Zhan by the shoulders, he pushes him over and pins him to the ground. “How could you be such a deviant?”
“Is it not what you wanted me to do?” he asks, thumbing the juice from Wei Wuxian’s cheek and licking it from his fingertip.
Wei Wuxian’s chest squeezes in a vice. “I—uh…” He says, very small, very awkward. He still needs time to get used to this apparently, when he’s not the one instigating. Playfully slapping Lan Zhan’s hand aside, he tsks. “Hey! Don’t you think it’s a little unfair, you taking advantage of me this way? How am I supposed to keep up when you’re teasing me so much?”
He is, he realizes, quite helpless in the face of what he’s started.
For once, he kind of likes the feeling.
*
They return to Lotus Pier at lunch time, hair still damp and desperately in need of showers. After Wei Wuxian has cleaned up, he makes for the kitchen to see what he can do about food for him and Lan Zhan, and finds Wen Ning tending to a fragrant pot of soup. “Your sister and Jin Ling are taking a nap,” Wen Ning says. “And Jin Zixuan is with Mo Xuanyu. Did you have a nice morning?”
As Wei Wuxian rifles through the pantry, he considers how best to answer. There are a lot of ingredients, Wei Wuxian realizes, but not a lot that’s ready to eat, nor much room to let Wen Ning do his thing and make something at the same time. “We did.”
Wen Ning studies him for a few seconds and nods, apparently satisfied. “I’m glad,” he says quietly. “You deserve it.”
Wei Wuxian turns over the word in his mind. Does he deserve this? Or has he gotten lucky? Does it matter? He thinks probably it doesn’t. The world can’t be carved up into what is deserved and what isn’t. Besides, he doesn’t want to have what he has because he deserves it. He only wants to have it because he wants it, because it can be gotten.
Wen Ruohan, his sons, they got what they deserved. That’s the last time the word had any relevance to Wei Wuxian. Better to grasp what can be caught in his hands and appreciate it.
“Can I help with this at all?” Wei Wuxian asks instead of pursuing the conversation any further.
“I’m good,” Wen Ning says. “There’s really not much to do.” He meets Wei Wuxian’s eyes briefly and then looks away again. “I just enjoy feeling useful. Your siblings make it easy for there to feel like there’s nothing left to do around here. I think you’re probably the same.”
“You’re a guest. Of course we can’t let you work too hard.” Wei Wuxian huffs in amusement, much preferring this conversation instead. Anything where he gets to tease a friend is preferable. “You’re wrong about me, though. If I had my way, I’d definitely be one of those indolent, stereotypical submissives who don’t want to do anything for themselves. You’d have run of the house while I rolled around whining about nobody paying attention to me.”
The corner of Wen Ning’s mouth curls fondly. “That sounds nice. I’m sure I’m not the only one who would agree.”
Wei Wuxian, scenting an interesting conversation, comes close, double checking the soup while he’s at it. It truly does look perfect. “What’s it like being a Dominant?”
Wen Ning looks at him, blinks, tilts his head as he considers the question. “I don’t know, really.” But before Wei Wuxian can pester him into answering, he says, “I feel satisfaction when I provide for the people I care about, proprietary. If I can control a situation, I can ensure the best possible outcome and know I’m the one who did it. I suppose it’s an ego thing, when it comes down to it.”
“Is it?” Wei Wuxian mulls Wen Ning’s words over in his mind. In truth, it doesn’t seem so different from how Wei Wuxian experiences pleasure and fulfillment. Perhaps they’re not so very different, Dominants and submissives, or at least they don’t have to be.
“I don’t know,” Wen Ning admits. “It’s hard sometimes to not want to step in where I’m not needed. It feels egotistical then.”
“It’s not,” Wei Wuxian says, fiercely certain of that much. “I know what egocentric Dominants are like. That’s not you. You’re good.” He and Lan Zhan are both good, just trying their best. But even the best can’t solve every problem, can they? “It can’t be easy.”
“No,” Wen Ning says. “To be honest, I don’t think it’s easy for most people, though a lot of us simply get on with it. I hope A-jie’s work will help people caught in situations they don’t want to be in. I hope it becomes normal to not be beholden to our natures if that’s not what we want.”
There was a time, very long ago, when Wei Wuxian would have disagreed. Go far enough back, and he’d thought life was easy, fun, not like what it turned out to be. Even looking at Lan Zhan a few months ago, he’d imagined imagined it was easy for him, that he’d found himself in the perfect relationship. “Have you ever thought about participating in your sister’s work like Jiang Cheng did?”
“I did,” Wen Ning says, “but it’s not the same for me as it was for my sister. She always felt burdened. I just didn’t like seeing what I was reflected back at me through my cousins. That’s not the kind of Dominant I ever wanted to be.” He turns from Wei Wuxian and pushes his hair behind his ears. A blush steals over his cheeks, one that makes Wei Wuxian feel a safe kind of affection for Wen Ning.
“I think it’s good there are Dominants like you out there. Anyone would be lucky to have you as theirs.”
Wen Ning steals a glance at Wei Wuxian. “The same applies to you, too, you know. Anyone would be equally lucky to be with you.”
“Pfft. I’m a troublemaker,” Wei Wuxian says, awkward and pleased with Wen Ning’s praise. There’s nothing quite like sweet words from a Dominant, even one as gentle as Wen Ning. “Nobody should—” He looks past Wen Ning to where Lan Zhan has suddenly appeared in the doorway, freshly showered, hair soft and shiny and a little fluffy from where he’s blown it dry. Wei Wuxian wants to muss it. “Lan Zhan, hi.”
“Can I help with anything?” he asks, as though it’s reflexive for him to want to step in. His attention lingers on Wei Wuxian’s hair, still a little damp from his own shower. Yeah, yeah. He should have blown it dry.
“I think Wen Ning has it handled,” Wei Wuxian says. “He’s replicated one of jiejie’s recipes perfectly. I’ve just been talking his ear off while we wait for it to finish.”
“I don’t mind,” Wen Ning says quietly, gaze darting between Wei Wuxian and Lan Zhan, like he can’t quite decide where to look.
Wei Wuxian smiles, unable to stop himself from feeling warmed by Wen Ning’s kindness, his quiet steadiness. He wonders what it might have been like if his tastes aligned to the kind of Dominant Wen Ning was, if perhaps things could have been different, and if that’s something he might even have wanted under those circumstances. Unfortunately for him, it’s always been Lan Zhan. It will always be Lan Zhan, and Lan Zhan alone. Even if they could never be anything to one another, it would be the same, so he dashes the thought from his mind. It’s too unfair to ponder.
“He’s very tolerant of my nonsense,” Wei Wuxian says to Lan Zhan.
Lan Zhan’s expression remains slightly cool, but to Wen Ning he says, “Thank you,” with the intense earnestness of someone who is trying very hard and is in over his head anyway. He even bows his head slightly in acknowledgment of Wen Ning, something not many Dominants would do. He continues to behave courteously as Wen Ning finishes up with the soup, puts his hands to making a few cold dishes to go along with it.
Soon enough, others begin to pile in, it’s not very awkward, not even when Mo Xuanyu approaches him, one elbow braced against Wei Wuxian’s shoulder. “What exactly did you get up to? You look happier than I think I’ve ever seen,” he points out, voice low as he bounces Jin Ling on his hip. “It’s a good look for you, Wuxian-ge.”
Wei Wuxian scrambles for something to say that doesn’t end with him embarrassing himself. Instead, he takes Jin Ling from Mo Xuanyu and tsks. “You’re a menace.” Tapping his finger to Jin Ling’s soft, gently upturned nose, he shakes his head. “Both of you.”
“Wangji, too,” Mo Xuanyu adds, a soft, wistful expression on his face as he turns his attention to Lan Zhan. “I’m glad,” he says, offhand, as though to himself. He offers Wei Wuxian a rueful smile. “Truly.”
The others begin sitting around the table, stopping Wei Wuxian from continuing a conversation he’s not sure he needs to finish anyway. What exactly can he say that won’t make him feel shy or as though he’s exposing himself and Lan Zhan unnecessarily?
It’s kind of cheesy, isn’t it? And embarrassing. He acted like a giddy teen with Lan Zhan this morning. How can he admit to that?
Lan Zhan finally takes the seat next to his after placing the dishes he’s helped put together in the middle of the table. He greets Mo Xuanyu politely and then turns his attention to Wei Wuxian, a gentle, hopeful expression on his face, a look that makes him seem shy and young, free of the years and circumstances that have separated them. Wei Wuxian in turn feels a little freer.
He wants to show his affection, wants to say it, wants to be sappy with Lan Zhan for the rest of his life, wants most of all to rebuild their relationship into something stronger than it was, stronger than all the things that have kept them apart all these years. Whatever harm they’ve caused one another due to bad timing or bad situations or simple bad luck, they can wash it away with happy times and better memories.
“What is it?” Lan Zhan asks, quiet, when the others’ attention have moved on to other things: conversations, filling their bowls and exclaiming over the taste, entertaining Jin Ling. “You look like you want to say something?”
“Nothing,” Wei Wuxian replies, because there’s time. They have time, and Wei Wuxian can do this right. He fights against Jiang Cheng over one of the side dishes and retrieves a bit for Lan Zhan as Jiang Cheng grouses about Wei Wuxian taking the best bits. Wei Wuxian ignores him as he continues to talk to Lan Zhan. “I’ll tell you later, okay?”
“Alright,” Lan Zhan agrees, accepting the food Wei Wuxian offers to him, returning the favor until Wei Wuxian has to laugh and hold his hand out to stop him. In the end, it doesn’t really stop him, because he keeps sneaking more in when Wei Wuxian is distracted.
Because he can’t help himself, Wei Wuxian hooks his ankle around Lan Zhan’s, needing more of the closeness they shared this morning. In retaliation, Lan Zhan slides his chair a little closer, the best kind of escalation Wei Wuxian can imagine, even if it results in the longest lunch of his life as he thrills at every small contact Lan Zhan makes, the brush of his bicep, his elbow, his knee, his foot as he slides it further into Wei Wuxian’s space.
The whole time, his expression never changes.
It’s probably the most fun Wei Wuxian has had in years, and not a single person at the table can tell. He feels like a teen again, teasing Lan Zhan for the first time, except even more wonderful, because as fun as angry, riled Lan Zhan can be, this Lan Zhan is even better, so much fun.
This Lan Zhan can truly be his.
This Lan Zhan will be his.
Even better, he can be Lan Zhan’s.