Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - BDSM, Biologically Determined Dom/sub Roles, BDSM, Bad BDSM etiquette, Sadism, Masochism, Past Sexual Abuse, Sexual Slavery, Self-Harm, BDSM as a Form of Self-Harm, Minor Character Death(s), Arson, Shades of Black Widow Wei Wuxian, Extremely Dubious Consent, Rape/Non-Con Elements, Normalized Homosexuality and Bisexuality, Normalized Polyamory, Nonsexual BDSM, Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, Pining Wei Wuxian, Jealous Wei Wuxian, Touch-Starved Wei Wuxian, Professional Dominant Wei Wuxian, Sex Worker Wei Wuxian, Gentle Dom Lan Wangji, Mean Dom Lan Wangji, Oblivious Lan Wangji, Past Wen Chao/Wei Wuxian, Minor Jin Guangyao/Wei Wuxian, Mentioned Wei Wuxian/Others, Emotional Infidelity, Angst with a Happy Ending, Endgame Wangxian, Mo Xuanyu Also Gets a Happy Ending, the tags are scary but i promise there's some lightheartedness too, wangxian love one another so much, wei wuxian is healed by the power of nonsexual bdsm and friendship, and then gets bdsm'd quite sexually and happily by the love of his life, Additional Warnings In Author's Note
The next few days slow to a candy-sweet stretch of perfect sun, near-perfect privacy, and the sort of moments that remind Wei Wuxian that there’s more to life than what he’s clawed back for himself. Sometimes, it can simply be good to you without having to fight for it. And sometimes, Wei Wuxian can race around Lotus Pier or the lake or anywhere else he wants while Lan Zhan watches and follows at a more appropriate pace.
A startled smile, small and secretive, always seems to crowd Lan Zhan’s mouth whenever Wei Wuxian looks back at him from whatever he’s run ahead to do, but whenever Lan Zhan notices himself doing it, he always pulls it back into a more neutral expression even when Wei Wuxian pouts. Still, Wei Wuxian never gets the feeling that Lan Zhan is taking what they have here for granted.
It would be nice to remain in their little bubble, isolated from the others as they play in their own little world, but even Wei Wuxian begins to feel a tug of regret at putting his own desires first when there are so many people around them who care and might want to see them. If Wei Wuxian had his way, they’d tromp around Lotus Pier endlessly, but it would ultimately be unfair, wouldn’t it?
“Lan Zhan,” he says as they circle Lotus Pier, Wei Wuxian’s thoughts tangled up in this idea that they have to lift their heads and look around them. “How’s Mo Xuanyu really?”
Lan Zhan considers the question. “I cannot say for certain. He took it well. I believe he’s eager to explore the next phase of his relationship with Nie Mingjue. He said it was a necessary pain, what we are going through.” Lan Zhan’s gaze catches on one of the trees they’re walking under and linger there. “At first, I wasn’t sure what he meant, but I think I’m beginning to understand.” He stops, takes hold of Wei Wuxian’s wrist to slow his step as well. “It truly wasn’t my intention to hurt either of you. I faltered longer than I should have.”
Wei Wuxian grasps Mo Xuanyu’s point immediately, though perhaps it’s merely self-preservation that drives his understanding. It’s far easier to believe poor circumstances are necessary when the end result is so far beyond what he could have hoped for. “Lan Zhan, none of us is perfect. We’ve all hurt people we care for. I’ve hurt you. I’ve hurt Mo Xuanyu. I hurt my siblings. I’m sure even my parents are hurting from the afterlife, seeing what I’ve made of myself.”
“Wei Ying—”
Wei Wuxian raises his hand. The last thing he needs is for Lan Zhan to console him on this point. “But they’d be happy to see me now, I think, and my siblings are fine. The rest remains to be seen, but I think we can fix that, too, don’t you?”
“I would like it if nothing required repair. If I could do it all it over again, I would never…” Lan Zhan sighs, turning his attention from the trees to Wei Wuxian’s face. “Nothing you did has hurt me. The circumstances…”
“Great!” He pokes Lan Zhan’s shoulder. “The feeling is mutual. The circumstances sucked. Let’s blame them for all the hurts between us. Anything else is kind of boring, don’t you think?”
“Wei—”
Wei Wuxian presses his hand to Lan Zhan’s mouth, letting himself enjoy the warm, soft brush of Lan Zhan’s lips against his palm. “I’m bored with watching you feel bad. Aren’t you bored?” He leans in until their noses almost touch. “Think about it, Lan Zhan.” He stares at Lan Zhan, begging him to understand that Wei Wuxian wants to discharge as much of it as possible. As long as he drags around this baggage, Wei Wuxian will have to carry it, too. Only when Lan Zhan nods does he pull his hand away. “Good boy.”
Lan Zhan’s eyes flash, but as they resume their walk, he settles. After a short time, he tangles their fingers together, clasping Wei Wuxian’s hand tightly. Wei Wuxian takes pleasure in squeezing back and swinging their joined hands between them.
They don’t return to the house until sunset, Wei Wuxian soaking up the last of his need to keep Lan Zhan to himself. When they return, he throws himself into helping with dinner preparations, and when they sit down to eat, he limits the worst of his mischief to tapping his foot against Lan Zhan’s, almost discreet. The evening passes in rounds of chatter, time spent playing with Jin Ling, a couple of drinks for those who partake. Lan Zhan excuses himself first, and Wei Wuxian follows when the others start to peel away.
*
Though Lan Zhan is awake when Wei Wuxian slips into bed, he falls asleep quickly once Wei Wuxian is there. Unfortunately, Wei Wuxian winds up staring at the dark ceiling, thoughts twisting endlessly until finally he’s driven from the bed, determined to wear himself out rather than risk waking Lan Zhan. With the house so full of people, Wei Wuxian finds himself surprised at how quiet it is as he creeps down the hall toward the kitchen to get a drink of water or maybe a cup of tea. He still hasn’t decided when he crosses the living room and sees a dark seated form through the window. Even from a glance, he can tell it’s Mo Xuanyu, his long braid snaking over his shoulder.
Cup of tea it is then.
And a blanket, he thinks, after he’s brewed enough for two, scooping up one of the soft blankets from the back of the couch as he passes it.
He stuffs his feet into his shoes without bothering to tie them and scuffs his feet on the pavement to alert Mo Xuanyu of his approach. When he’s close enough, he says, “Hold these,” and then wraps the blanket around Mo Xuanyu’s slim shoulders before he can complain. “You’re going to freeze out here.”
“It’s warm enough.”
“Says you,” Wei Wuxian replies, shivering pointedly as a breeze kicks up to protest Mo Xuanyu’s point. He takes one of the mugs and blows over the top. “What are you doing out here so late anyway?”
“I like coming out. The stars look different here.”
Wei Wuxian looks up. There is a stark, desolate quality to the night at Lan Zhan’s hideaway that reflects in the cold, twinkling light that brightens the velvet dark sky. Here, they’re far enough from the worst of the light pollution to enjoy clear nights, but it never gets quite as dark, never feels truly cold despite Wei Wuxian’s complaint about the chill. Though he hadn’t considered it before, it’s true that they’re different. “I guess you’re right.”
“I am right.”
Wei Wuxian laughs. “You’ve been right about a lot of things.”
“All the more reason you should listen to me then,” Mo Xuanyu says with all the dignity a twenty-something can bring to bear on a conversation. “Especially when I say I don’t blame either of you for what happened.”
“Mo Xuanyu…”
“I can’t lie and say I wouldn’t prefer to have gotten the chance to try to make things work with both of you.” Mo Xuanyu takes his hand. Though he laces their fingers together in an intimate, familiar way, the experience of holding hands with Mo Xuanyu lacks the same ephemerally romantic that tugs at his heart when he does the same with Lan Zhan. Truly, Mo Xuanyu can only be a dear friend, and though that may not be a hindrance for some in forming physical attachments, it will never not be a barrier to Wei Wuxian. This only proves it.
With as much affection as he can muster, he kisses Mo Xuanyu’s knuckles and pats the spot afterward, chafing Mo Xuanyu’s hand, cool from exposure to the air. He hopes Mo Xuanyu understands how regretful he is over how this has played out. If he could form the words, he would, but an apology doesn’t feel like enough.
Were their positions reversed, Wei Wuxian would be devastated.
“You’re both very good at twisting yourself up over inevitabilities,” Mo Xuanyu says eventually. “I can credit you there.”
As they sit, Wei Wuxian gathers his courage to speak, to confront what he and Lan Zhan have set in motion with one another. He doesn’t feel the earlier threads of pleasure he’d experienced upon seeing Mo Xuanyu for the first time, those days when his desires had been so twisted up in the way he’d Dominated others, but he finds himself flooded with brotherly concern and the need to protect Mo Xuanyu from that which will hurt him.
It’s not so different from how he feels about Jiang Cheng, except that Wei Wuxian himself is the source of Mo Xuanyu’s pain. As such, he doesn’t know how to assuage it or solve it.
“Will you be okay separating from Lan Zhan like this? I remember what you told me when I left.”
“I was going to fight, yeah?” Mo Xuanyu laughs. “I thought I was. I could tell he wanted some time to process things, so I told him I’d help with Mingjue’s wedding preparations and we’d talk more about it later, but when I came back, he wasn’t the man I left behind. I’d developed all these plans in my head about how I’d prove what we could still have together was worthwhile, but I knew even then it was a lost cause even if I didn’t admit it right away.”
“I wish we hadn’t caught you up in the middle of this.”
“Do you want to know something?”
“What?”
“I changed, too. Or… I got to see how things could be with someone like Mingjue, someone who wanted to fill every residence with the people he cares about and the people they care about. The three of us in Lan Zhan’s home felt like a wealth beyond imagining, but Mingjue’s home… no matter how much I might love Lan Zhan, I’ll never experience that satisfaction with him. The whole time we were together, I thought that sacrifice was worth it, but after spending that time with Mingjue, I realized the cost was too high for me to pay. I don’t want my feelings for Wangji to turn into resentment. It’s better for it to be this way, so what we had can still be a cherished memory.”
Mo Xuanyu turns his face away and brushes his hair aside, continues to speak. “Mingjue treats me well. I like being with him and his family. I don’t know if it will work out long-term, but I’m excited to see what might happen between us. So, yeah, I’m okay ending things this way.”
Though a lump forms in the back of his throat, Wei Wuxian manages to squeeze out a few words. “Nie Mingjue would be out of his mind if he’s not feeling like the luckiest Dominant on the planet right now. If he doesn’t formalize a relationship with you as soon as possible, I’ll hunt him down myself.”
Mo Xuanyu elbows him in the side. “Don’t be ridiculous. I don’t need anything formalized.”
“I’m serious! I used to be pretty friendly with Nie Huaisang. I’m sure between the two of us, we could give Nie Mingjue a hard time. You deserve to be secure in your relationships. A proper collar would look good on you.”
Mo Xuanyu huffs in amusement, then settles close, near enough that Wei Wuxian feels his body heat even through the blanket. He’s quiet for a time, simply sipping his tea and staring at the stars. Wei Wuxian starts to think maybe he should make his exit when Mo Xuanyu says, “You’ll let him take care of you, won’t you?”
“What?”
“Wangji. You’ll let him take care of you.”
“I…” In truth, Wei Wuxian doesn’t know how to answer that question, not posed to him like this. Though he has accepted Lan Zhan’s care for so many reasons since they reunited, hearing it spoken of in this manner, it’s hard to say yes, of course. Of course, Lan Zhan can take care of him. There’s nothing he wants nothing more in this life than exactly that, but it’s still hard to admit it when the care he’s given has always been forced on both sides, forced by sentiment and base need.
He can joke all he wants about how he wants to be pampered and it still wouldn’t make the reality any easier to stomach.
“You have to let him,” Mo Xuanyu says. “Wuxian-ge, it will make him so happy.”
Wei Wuxian swallows, tries to find the right words.
Turning to face Wei Wuxian him, Mo Xuanyu tucks one knee beneath him. His expression grows somber. “I need to know you’ll do that much. For both of your sakes.”
Few people on this planet can shove Wei Wuxian as far off balance with his kind intentions as Mo Xuanyu does. It’s uncanny and entirely unfair in Wei Wuxian’s opinion. He says, bewildered, “I will.” It maybe feels like the truth, now that he’s admitted it to Mo Xuaynyu.
“Good,” Mo Xuanyu says. Gripping the blanket more tightly around him, he stands up. “Then maybe we can go inside now. It’s getting a little cold, don’t you think?”
*
Wei Wuxian creeps back into his bedroom, scarcely breathing as he slips beneath the sheets. He lies on his side, looking at Lan Zhan for a minute, maybe longer, before sliding close, then closer, then pressing against him directly, leeching the warmth from his skin. “Sorry,” he whispers as Lan Zhan mumbles, half-awake enough to ask where Wei Wuxian has been. As he presses his ear to Lan Zhan’s chest and wraps his arm around Lan Zhan’s waist, he feels grateful for this chance. “Sorry, I woke you. I couldn’t help myself.”
“S’okay.”
“Cold?” Wei Wuxian asks.
His voice finally sharpens into awareness. A slanting beam of moonlight filters through the drapes, illuminating the pretty brown of Lan Zhan’s open eyes. “It’s fine.”
Biting back a smile, he presses his nose against Lan Zhan’s neck. “Cold now?”
“No,” Lan Zhan replies, voice husky. He gathers Wei Wuxian closer, one arm around Wei Wuxian’s shoulders, one cradling the back of Wei Wuxian’s head.
Dragging his cheek lips up the column of Lan Zhan’s neck, he says, “What about now?”
Quicker than Wei Wuxian can move away, Lan Zhan has captured Wei Wuxian’s chin between his fingertips. “No.” His gaze flicks down to settle on Wei Wuxian’s lips. “Wei Ying, I…”
Before Lan Zhan can speak, Wei Wuxian leans up and presses his mouth to Lan Zhan’s, claiming it fully, deeply, glorying in the way Lan Zhan instantly opens for him. Despite everything that has stood between them, Lan Zhan accepts him without hesitation. He neither flinches nor pulls away. Wei Wuxian fears his heart might burst from how relieved he feels, how secure. “Lan Zhan.”
“How am I supposed to chase you,” Lan Zhan answers, nipping at Wei Wuxian’s jaw, “if you’re always running toward me first?”
“Ah, Lan Zhan, are you saying the game between us is too easy?”
Lan Zhan brings their mouths together for a second time, deepens the kiss they share. Need thrums to life within Wei Wuxian, a need he’s so rarely felt, has almost forgotten in the pain of every other kind of lack he’s experienced in his life: a need to burrow into the arms of a loved one, to experience joy and pleasure and pain, too, the bright sort of pain that makes everything else taste so much sweeter, the sort of pain he’s always wanted to share with Lan Zhan as intimates, as lovers, as more than that, as everything they can possibly be to one another.
When Lan Zhan pulls back, dragging in a deep breath, Wei Wuxian follows, not yet spoiled enough by Lan Zhan’s lips.
“I’m saying I want to chase you as you asked me to,” Lan Zhan replies, pressing his fingers to Wei Wuxian’s lips, sliding them between and holding them on Wei Wuxian’s tongue.
Wei Wuxian moans involuntarily.
“I want to woo you as you have always deserved to be wooed,” Lan Zhan continues, lips brushing Wei Wuxian’s cheek as he whispers earnest sentiment into Wei Wuxian’s ear. “I want you to feel safe in my affection for you.” He removes his fingers from Wei Wuxian’s mouth and replaces them with his tongue, captures Wei Wuxian’s lips with his teeth. “I would like to take my time with you.”
“Aha, Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian says, face heating with embarrassed happiness. “Lan Zhan, you want so much. So greedy. All those things?”
“Mm.”
A garden’s worth of affection for Lan Zhan blooms within him, as easy as that.
“I suppose…” Wei Wuxian says, testing Lan Zhan, testing himself as he unearths parts of himself he hasn’t let himself experience in years. Memory is such a fickle thing. It’s so hard to recall the boy he was, the one who’d loved Lan Zhan first and best, the one he wants to be again, now and always. “…considering I’m such a defenseless submissive…” His fingers creep up Lan Zhan’s chest. The words feel good to say to Lan Zhan, even if he would cringe saying them to anyone else or demanding they be said to him. “…I don’t have much choice in the matter…” Even though it’s a performance, little more than a tease, it arouses him rather than making him feel dread. Let the choice be left to Lan Zhan. There are few people in the world he trusts as much. “…do I?”
Lan Zhan captures his hand, squeezing it until the joints press together.
From Lan Zhan, it’s as clear an answer as Wei Wuxian needs.